Uk Earth Quake Appeal

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An Appeal For Your Help

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale, hit in the early hours of Wednesday morning at 12:56am. Epicenter: Bradford, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly distributed to all betting offices by the town’s 35000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “What the chuff wer that?” and “Na then, wots guin on?”.

The earthquake decimated large inhabited areas of Clayton near Bradford causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of Franklin Mint and mementos from both Tenerife and the Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed in nearby Odsall. Sounds levels reached an almost unbearable peak during the quake when an estimated 14,000 Staffordshire Bull Terriers began barking in synchrony.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Bradford reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Bradford. One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite, said, “It was such a shock my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching  Jeremy Kyle  the next morning”. Locals were determined not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the areas to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including child benefit books, CSA claim forms and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, plus bone china from pound stretcher.

Can you help?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all – especially

* Burberry or Fila baseball caps
* Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
* Shell suits (female)
* White sports socks
* any product sold at Primark
* new dog leads suitable for Staffordshire Bull Terriers

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned beans, Netto ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not give anything that needs peeling.

* 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
* £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy alco pop drink for a family of 9
* £5 will pay for a packet of B & H and a lighter to calm a child’s nerves.

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells.

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding Yorkshire communities.

Zlot Very Fair!!

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With our Lads trip to Krakow, Poland getting ever closer (only 2 sleeps now!!)
Me and LJ (Low-Jack Johnson) took a lunch time trip to Lancaster town to exchange some U of K drinking vouchers for the Polish equivalent (Zloty’s)
We first went to Thomas cook and enquired as to if they could facilitate our transaction.

The “lady” behind the glass told us that they had around £350′s worth in stock.
I questioned her on the exchange rate that they were offering and was met by quite a surprising answer…..

Thomas cook’s initial quote for their exchange rate was 3.7 zloty’s to the pound.
Now, if I’d of been an everyday punter (and not somebody who is in a perpetual bad mood and sports a sizeable chip on his shoulder) I would not of questioned this.
But being a computer geek, I had already investigated the average exchange rate on the t’internet, and the average was around 4.54 – 5.00 zloty’s to the uk dollar.

Although this may not seem a massive amount…here’s some math’s to put it into a BOAD’s perspective….
Given the following as a rule…

If we changed £220…
Thomas cook’s initial rate would of got us 814 Zloty’s
Average exchange rate would of got us 998.8 Zloty’s


1 pint of beer = 5.5 Zloty’s
1 litre of vodka = 28.5 Zloty’s
1 sit doon meal = 34.2 Zloty’s (although this really shouldn’t be included as eating is in fact, cheating!!)
1 neet in a 3 star hotel 171 Zloty’s

Thomas Cook’s exchange rate would buy you…

148 pints of beer
28 liters of vodka
23.8 sit doon meals
5.84 neets in a 3 star hotel

Average exchange rate would buy you…

181.6 pints of beer
35.04 liters of vodka
29.2 sit doon meals
4.76 neets in a 3 star hotel

So that really is an amazing difference….
If you had accepted Thomas cooks initial exchange rate, instead of pushing for fairer average exchange rate, you would of lost….

33.6 pints of beer
7.04 litres of vodka
5.4 sit doon meals
1.08 neets in a 3 star hotel

Needless to say…..being BOAD we never accept anyone’s first offer……

When the “lady” told us their exchange rate, she received the following reply….

“That’s a bit shit isn’t it….the average is around 4.5…try again…”

After she had got her breath back from the shock of the response, she once again consulted her computer (this time it didn’t say no!) and came back with a better offer of 4.54 Zloty’s to the pound.

Still not satisfied with getting the average exchange rate, we decided to chump to another couple of exchange bureaus to try our luck.
We only found 1 other place that actually had Zloty’s in stock, and their exchange rate was pretty close to the average. Only problem was they only had a couple of hundred quids worth.
Lj made his exchange and I chumped back to Thomas cook to accept their second offer….

Just goes to show……Always play the “Oliver” card and ask for more!

Tag-Xi, Your It!!! Aka What Does LJ Stand For?

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After attending the Works Xmas do back in January, the boy Laurence woke up the next day in the cells of the local constabulary.
At the Do, number 2 made an appearance, shortly after that both of them were poured into a taxi cab and sent on his(their) way home.Â

On arrival at Chatsworth Estate/Road the boy Laurence got out of the cab, thanked the taxi driver for the “Lift” and made haste to his flat, leaving the taxi driver starting at a locked front door. Needless to say the cabbie called the law and subsequently, Laurence was arrested. It’s probably a fair point to mention that LJ didn’t withhold payment to the taxi man on purpose…..just he’d had one or two sherbets too many…Â

Before leaving the police station he was charged and told to appear at the magistrates, the initial date he was given was the day before we go on our Ski holiday to Livigno, so he asked for the date to be re-arranged…to which the they did….Â

Earlier this week I received a text at around midnight from #2 saying he’d got his court dates wrong and had missed the date…to which the court had issued a warrant and he had been arrested and locked up again…with a view to him attending court then next morning, fresh from the police cells…. Â

ankle_tag.jpgAfter a peaceful night’s sleep he was awoken around 8 and chauffeured to the courts in the luxury white van limousine.  He received a hefty fine and also some free jewelry, in the form of an ankle tag bracelet that would make the local ASBO crew green with envy….  Â

With the BOAD trip to Poland getting nearer and nearer I am thinking about opening a book as to whether or not the tag is removed in time…..Any takers?  This has earned him a new take on his current nickname of LJ…….Â

I guess we’ll have to wait and see if “Low-Jack Johnson†makes it to Poland or not…  

Dear Alcohol, We Need To Have A Talk….

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Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a dirty Doner Kebab with chili sauce, along with a big Subway meatball sandwich and some stale crisps (washed down with half a pint of baileys & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheesey wotsits)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 5pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of food, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 7:30pm (pre Friday Night Amnesia) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan