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Next Bar…..I’ve Told You Once!

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Saturday night we had decided to do something a little different as a couple of the BOAD had voiced their opinions on our “Usual†drinking route.

So being BOAD we were up for a challenge!!!

It was decided that we would do a “Lucky Dip†pub Crawl.
This basically means that we made a list of every pub in town and then cut the list up into small pieces.

We met at BOAD HQ (the mood bar in Lancaster) and after a quick Usual (Large Vodka and Red bull) we were ready to make the first draw…

We decided that the Waa would be first to pick….
Now most BOAD members have one or two pubs that they don’t personally like…for whatever reason.

Two of the pubs I hate in Lancaster are the Brown Cow and the borough…..
So obviously I must have pissed Fate off at some point in the past as The Brown Cow was the first pub on our random route.

We got to the Brown Cow and ordered our drinks.
Half way through the vodka’s we brought into play a new rule…..
This was intended to make the evening a bit more fun.
We decided that in each of the pubs, there would be some sort of challenge…either a personal one to whoever’s round it was or a group one that we all had to partake in….

With our drinks nearly finished it was time to make the second draw, and it fell to LJ to do this….
With the screwed up pieces of paper in my hand….LJ faced his destiny…
It’s worth mentioning at this point that every bar in Lancaster was on the original list…even the ones we would never dream of going into…..
As most of us know, LJ is a bit of a homophobe… (Strange that as his particular favourite sexual position is to BUM a girl…)
Any way, he had already voiced his distaste at the possibility of us all having to visit the Local Gay Bar, The Duke of Lancaster….
I’m sure you can guess what happened next….
Roughly half a second after I had said to him…..†You know your gonna pick the puffs bar now don’t you†…..he withdrew his hand, tightly grasping the piece of paper that would tell us where our next bar would be,

LJ opened the paper and looked somewhat relieved….He said something along the lines of “Thank fuck for that….I’ve not picked to Poofs bar, I’ve picked the duke of Lancaster†.
It took him a few seconds to realise that the Duke was in fact the Poofs Bar…..

A bit of banter followed, as to be honest, none of us relished the thought of getting a beer in there.
Although, we decided that if we were gonna play this game then we were gonna play it properly.
It was at this point that it was my turn to pick the challenge for that particular bar.
With it being the Waa’s turn to get the drinks in I opted for it to be a personal challenge just for him.
The task he was set was to go to the bar, and in the style of the old advert say “I’d love 4 baby shams please†.

The challenge was accepted and we arrived.Â
True to his word, the Waa delivered the line to the woman (Men dressed as a woman actually) behind the bar to be met with the reply, “Sorry Love we don’t have any in stock†– with the challenge completed he ordered 4 usuals instead.

Now the BOAD can drink at the best of times…..but all of us chinned our vodka and red bulls within about 2 gulps……all except the Waa that is.
On our way to the bar he had bought a national lottery scratch card and was stood at the bar rubbing it off (easy now!!!!!!)
I think that the baby sham line had cemented a new friendship with the man/woman/thing behind the bar as it had struck up a conversation with the Waa about winning off scratch cards.

Any way, with the drinks chinned we were ready for the next bar….

With it being my turn to pick and it pissing down outside, I obviously picked the bar that was farthest away from where we were.
We arrived at the Yorkshire house and the challenge was set.
With Clive getting the round in it was decided that he had to order the beers as though he had torrets syndrome.

The boy Clive did us proud….
His order was as follows…†2 pints of hoe garden and 2 bottles of Newcastle brown….FUCK FUCKâ€
It has us all in tears with laughter.

We were getting warmed up by now, so we drank the beers and were ready for the next pick.

Clives turn this time and he chose the Sir Robert Gillows

This is the spot that used to be Elliot’s Restaurant in Lancaster,
This somewhat influenced that particular bars challenge….

This time it was a group challenge.
Each time any of us wanted a drink we had to firstly put a hand down ones pants, rearrange our tail then put one thumb in our ear and the index finger of the same hand on the side of our head…Only once we’d done that were we safe to take a drink.

One point about these challenges….if they weren’t completed properly then the said offender had to drink a shot eg sambuca….

There were one or two misdemeanours so several shots got downed…..

Next choice of bar and it was back to the Waa to pick…..
Not sure what I had done to offend the Waa but when he picked the rolled up piece of paper that had the next bar on, it was the borough…..yet again, one of the bars that is on my Hate list.

It was LJ’s turn to pick the challenge so on the way over to the borough he was given several chances to tell us the challenge….
He couldn’t think of one so he forfeit his turn and it was left for us to issue him with a personal challenge.
From the moment he walked into the borough, any sentence he said, had to be ended with the words “I’ve Told You Once†…..
And with it being his turn to get the beers in we were ready for some fun.
As you can imagine the barman didn’t know what the fook was going on, also the person that knew LJ that came across to talk to him equally had no clue what was up with LJ…..

He had one or 2 slip ups and ended up with a penalty total of 12 sambucas…..
The state that he was in there was no chance he could manage those so we levelled it down to a double sambuca…..

After that, the choice of bar resulted in a trip to keystones……
This time the challenge was somewhat influenced by Peter Kay.
It was a group challenge and before any of us could take a sip of our drink the following actions had to of taken place.
In a loud voice say…
“I’m going to T’egypt…it’s over there (raising an arm and pointing into the sky)
“I’ve booked it, packed it and fucked offâ€
Then a sip of the drink could be taken, followed by,
Dipping both knees and when rising say the words “Nii†in an equally loud voice (re Monty pythons life of Brian – the knights that say Nii.â€

By this time we were well oiled and the choice of bar had once again returned for me….

From the previous lucky dip picks i.e. 2 bars that I hated and LJ picking the poofs bar that he hated, I decided to do as Babe Ruth used to do…and “call the shotâ€
Now these picks we were doing were totally random.  They were just words written on little slips of paper and folded up…

I looked at the Waa and said….right then……Let’s go for the second visit…I’m going to pick “The Mood†…….

Obviously you could imagine the situation when I unfolded the piece of paper to reveal that I had actually managed to do it……and picked the mood!!!

Once in there it was challenge time…another group challenge, and yet another one that involved doing something before we could drink…

Being in the mood it was perfect timing for this particular challenge…

Before we could take a sip of our drink we had to approach a complete stranger….man or woman and sing the following…
“I’m in the Mood….for dancing†in the style of the Nolan’s hit…..

We all completed the task and we a bit tipsy by now
By now the time was getting on a bit, some where around midnight, so some of the pubs in our lucky dip would be shut.

We picked and picked until we came across one that we thought would be open,….ruxtons….we paid a visit only to be refused at the door, due to it being closed…

At this point we decided to try and find somewhere for a sit down meal…
We literally walked all over town, and we still couldn’t find a restaurant that was open… so it was decided to call it a night and each get a takeaway and go home.
The Waa opted for a chink Oil (dirty fried cucumber), LJ’s alter ego “Number 2†had arrived by now and was doing his best to annoy everybody within ear shot…

After the Waa had got his food we went down to Nice and Spicy to get a curry ….I ordered a normal mild one…..
LJ was wobbling about and was in no state to read the menu, let alone order his food…
So being BOAD we kindly offered to help him….
The resulting curry he received was called a Phaal

Here’s what wikipedia says about it

Phaal, sometimes spelt as phall or paal, is an Indian curry dish, red to red-orange in colour.
It is widely reputed to be one of the hottest forms of curry available, even hotter than the Vindaloo, with at least 10 or 12 ground chillies included in a standard portion.
The phaal has achieved a certain degree of notoriety as the hottest generally available dish from Indian restaurants, so much so that many of them do not actually list it on their menus and will only cook it if specifically requested.

Needless to say…..if it hurts going in….its gonna hurt coming out……
All in all the “Lucky Dip Pub Crawl†was a success and I think we all had a belting night.
I’m sure we’ll be doing it again very soon….

The Drunken Text Appreciation Society

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The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts

1) The “fishing” text.

This text is normally along the lines of: “So wot u up 2 later?” or “U out tonight?”
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
“Im drunk, horny and haven’t pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? “
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful “fishing” text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A “fishing” text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting “No” after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.
2) Predictive “Cock-upsâ€
The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

“Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve.” (queue)
“wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now” (c*nt)
“Ready and raping to go!†(raring)
The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

”fancy gettin food in the crown?”

It was inevitably written as:

”fancy gettin done in the brown?”
“Can’t wait to be licking your puppy†(pussy)
“Fancy a dual?” (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

“Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a “dual”. Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!”
“It’s ok, no hurry, I’ve got aids” (ages)
“Gassy new year!!!” (happy)
“come on over… I have wind” (wine)
My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

“I can’t wait to have a go on all the sheep!†(rides)
“Put your coal into my puppy†(cock & pussy)
I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
“Wife open, definitely not sleeping!” Was his reply! (wide)
Whilst preparing for a play:
“Have you got the rapist ready yet†(script)

“Spank me when u get here†(Prank)

Â

3) The “friend locator” text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You’ve just met some totty and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:
“Wher u? Ho on dancefloor” Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking “Morecambe anyone?â€
4) “Declarations of undying love”

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

“You are the most beautiful girl in the world!” – Ergh!

“I love u!”

“Love you millions”

“If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I togetherâ€

“Missing you!” / “I miss you so much!”
It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE  won’t and she will have the evidence in her inbox
5) “Family texts”

Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.

Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to “fitties†in the phone book. For example: “Dad” will be located near “Dave” or “Danni†alphabetically.

My favourites:

“Im c*nted where are you?” (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn’t speak for a week or so)

“U wanna stay at mine tonite?” (ooh dear)

And the worst case…Text sex!!!

“Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet… (you go)”

The above isn’t actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!
6) “Shit, fuck & bollocks text!”

The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you’re about to send to it… and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.

Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.

For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:

“Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?â€

Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door
7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn’t it!
8) “The One Eyed Text”

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.

9) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the “fishing text”, the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent “You out tonight?” sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.

It should be translated as, “Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later.”
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!

I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!
10)The “reminder” text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The “reminder” text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

“Say sorry to Kelly”
“U lent Boycey £40″
“Key is under bin”

11) The “I cant remember her name phonebook addition”.

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The “I cant remember her name phonebook addition” occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you’ve just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking “What’s your name again?”, you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you’re doing it!!!!

Drunken text messages can happen to anyone, although admittedly some more than others! Will we ever learn? I hope not!

Blood Sweat & Beers

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Well the Boarding / ski season has come to an end for another 12 months but not before the BOAD managed to break a board possibly a rib or two and definitely a record or three !!!!
GP’s retro ride finally faltered after he broke his step in binding on his board but not to be put off he donned his blades and took to the air literally turning not just the air blue but himself too when he managed an impressive 359˚ if only he’d made it the whole way around do’h !  Geeps wasn’t the only one to deflate a lung Biff aka evil kanivel injured ribs while performing a back flip dismount from a skidoo fortunately Patty was only doing around 45 mph at the time so no major harm done !!!!!. Other injuries included #2’s shoulder oh for a toe turn it could have been so different, Andy Tague Ribs who said speed is your friend? Munka cut to face! Oh for a toe turn and more speed !!!! Major damage to Patty’s wallet (150€ a night !!!!) and finally Munka’s ego took a kicking when Mrs. Munka on only  day 2 of Ski skool mastered munka’s arch nemesis the drag/button lift !
It wasn’t all pain though some great skiing, blading boarding and err walking (sorry Patty !!!!) was had on the mountain not to mention some superb food in the restaurant and plenty of Alcohol got consumed in the bars !!!!.
Patty broke the BOAD record for minutes spent on the slopes to bars ratio 120 mins on slope / 9960 mins in the bar while the Italian love of queuing almost set a new world record at one point we queued to join a queue I’m sure! This helped coin the phrase a DOA Q (as in the foo fighters lyric “the very last one in a very long line!†)
While you may expect the most frightened look on someone’s face award would go to one of the newbie’s on a black run it actually goes to the boarder guard as we left the resort at 3:30am he wanted to check we had no more than 200 fags and 1 litre of alcohol  per person, when the coach drive announced
“andare turistico inglese all’aeroporto di bergomo alcuni è boad!â€
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The guard went white and waved the bus along I’m guessing he didn’t get over time payments?
So as we say arrivederci to the ski season it’s full steam a head for Easter with three birthdays one wedding one christening not to mention the return of both BOAD Neet and F.N.A
it’s all down hill from here!

 Munka !!!!

Veni, Vidi, Ha Bevuto !

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Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do, Yeah they were all lemoncello!
Well it’s almost time for The Boad to go visit the Cornish Mafia, just one beer festival and one sleep left before the final ski/boarding/blading trip of the season following on from Bulgo, Banff and Kimberley  trips (Sorry I cant name the fourth member of girls aloud any who this is a Yorkie Blog!).
In true Boad style the Pund (£) has been steadily falling over the past week to a Year low of 1.3 however as Livigno is tax free usual drinking levels are predicted to meet official standards aka Large!
On the advice of brother Sidney and after he carried out a full 10 day extensive trial and evaluation program several other Boad have got the hump that is to say Camelbak’s (Hydration system for any Poindexters out there!).

All Boad will be equipped with hip flasks as standard.  While the local tipple is Alcool (90%)

I expect the old favourites of Sambucca and Lemoncello will be the shots of choice and of course Jágermeister  is bound to make a timely appearance. With 100 bars it’s likely that a few new weapons of choice will be added to the Boad arsenal as well.
Amnesia di notte di Venerd or F.N.A (U of K) will of course be relocating from the usual spot & Next Bar

Unfortunately I wont be able to write a blog entry as if you can remember it you just weren’t there !!!!
While I’ll be mainly sitting on the mountain (Snowboarders hey!) a couple of newbies will be taking to the slopes Mrs. Munka, Patty and of course the Low Jack twins (aka #2)
So for those of you going see you at the Donkey Bar M/cr International airport!

arrivederci scimmia !!!!!