Birds….Cant Live With Em…..

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Got this Email from Hammer…. I thought it worthy of a Blog…Â


I’ve had some bird trouble this week. I’ve been stalking these two birds (not what you think lads) – they are in fact a pair of seagulls that have taken a fancy to my chimney pots and nested there in.

I’ve taken advice on the situation from two experienced BOAD. Firstly TBC came over and in his infinite wisdom suggested, nipping onto the roof, grabbing the little fellas neck and ringing it – presumably whilst holing on to the chimney with my free hand? Think I see a flaw in this plan, not to mention the fact that there is another bird that may have something to say, or do in fact, whilst I am ringing his/her partners neck.

Secondly I thought I’d try help from a highly trained, experienced army officer. The next day the head Gyffbian (Daddy) called round to my house, with his highly trained sniffer dog (Steffi) in order to neutralize the problem. We stealthily crept into the loft and opened the window. The birds were away, leaving the nest unattended. Daddy then loaded his air pistol sending me out onto the roof armed only with a short stick and my work safety specs for protection against possible ‘eye pecking’.

I just reached the apex of the roof whereupon 2 of the biggest seagulls you ever saw swooped from nowhere nearly taking my head off. ‘Jeebus’ was the cry, ‘that was fooking close, shoot, shoot’, but the reply was ‘Aach, canny get him in me sight’. Anyhoo, I managed to scramble back in the loft unscathed. After that, the little swines wouldn’t sit still, and made several swooping attempts, each time aiming for the loft window.

Daddy and Steffi then had to leave to go to a pool match, still leaving me with the bird problem. They did leave the gun though, so I may now take up residence in the loft.

I’ll stalk the little buggers, and when he gets up out of his nest for a tinkle/poop in the night I’ll be there waiting for him, he he …..

Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush

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How Last Minute is Lastminute.com?

“You Fancy Beer Tonight” the Waa asked on MSN messenger
“Purple Elephants With Tangerine Eyes” I replied
Well….A stupid question always deserves a stupid answer…..

That’s how it all started……….

With it being a Tuesday, it was a little out of the ordinary to be going out round town, but as ever I was up for a few beers.
A few emails and texts later and T.B.C (The Boy Clive) was on board for the night too.

We hit town around 7pm and headed for the nearest beer garden so we could catch the last of the days sun whilst enjoying a cold pint.
The nearest being the borough…Not the best of starts to a night out but they serve Warsteiner so it was tolerable.

A bit of banter and our pints were empty…..off to the next bar.  As it was on our way, we called in at BOAD HQ (mood bar Lancaster) for a quick usual (3 Large Vodkas, 1 tin of Red Bull)
These went down a treat, and after a quick chat with Craig the barman we were off to the next bar….

There was still a bit of sun about so we headed to Last Orders (formally The Nags Head) as we knew they had a small beer garden out the back.
We hesitantly got our drinks from what seemed to be a leathered barman…(I remember asking the Waa if they charged extra for clean glasses)

Drinks in hand we aimed for the beer garden….Upon entering said beer garden we were greeted by some of the roughest looking people in Lancaster.
We sat at a table and looked around….we’d all sat on the same side of the table…safety in numbers and all that!

Whilst sipping our drinks we were observing a couple sat across from us….
Now these people had real class, the lad had around 3 or 4 teeth missing and the toot…well what can I say, she was one of Lancaster’s finest.
I think the highlight of our observation was when she made an odd sound whilst clearing the contents of her nose into her throat, then into her mouth, then eventually gobbed out onto the floor.

After that show we voted to have a game of pool inside….Anything just to get away from that..
Me and Clive had a game whilst the Waa handed over good money to watch some flashing lights.

Needless to say, we left the bar remembering the reason why that particular bar isn’t on our established BOAD drinking route.

Off to t’Irish bar next…..we arrived and we were the only people in there….so a quick double later and we were off.

As town was dead we headed to the Horse and Farrier for a cheap double….
We got our drinks in, had a quick go on the gambler then settled down at the bar to chat….

We’d had 1 or 2 drinks by now…being BOAD we were looking for a bit of excitement…
One thing that always makes a belting night is Spontaneity.
With this in mind, the Waa said “I know…why don’t we get a taxi to Blackpool..A few pubs, maybe a club, then end up at the casino?”

I phoned the local taxi firm and got a price of £35
In the style of Dragons Den I said…”I’m in”….unfortunately, the boy Clive was out.
so we had a bit of banter trying to convince him that it would be a good night out etc but he wasn’t having any of it….

I sat back to enjoy my drink and left the Waa bantering with Clive, still trying to convince him to go for it.

My mind drifted away….and then an idea struck me….I let out a giggle and was questioned as to what I was laughing about…

I said “I’ve just had a belting idea…..but it may be a touch extreme!?!?”
I continued “Why don’t we all go home…..get out passports….and go to Manchester airport and fook off on the next flight….wherever it’s going to?”

A few seconds of silence and then the Waa said “yeah…let’s do it!!”
The next part is a little puzzling…Clive said he was up for it too….he wouldn’t go to blackpool for the night but was willing to get on a random plane heading out of the country.

As ever, being BOAD is never easy…we like a challenge….and to this end we decided to add a few restrictions to the trip.

1) The flight had to be in Europe somewhere
2) We weren’t allowed to take any luggage what so ever
3) We had to go with only the clothes that we were wearing
4) we were allowed 2 luxury articles A toothbrush and a phone charger

That was pretty much it…..

With the excitement building we head to MacDonald’s for a last meal….mainly because we didn’t know where we’d be ending up and it could of been our last meal for quite some time.

A burger each later and we were in the taxi..we basically dropped Clive off at home, then the Waa and then back to mine.
I made the taxi man wait outside whilst I nipped in and got my 2 luxury items.
Minutes later we were back on route to the Waa’s house and then Clives

As Clive was the first to be dropped off he had the mission of looking on the Manchester airport website so we could see what departures were coming up.

We arrived at Clives and started furiously looking for last minute flight cancellations that we could get on

10 minutes passed and we still had nothing….we’d scoured all the well know sites  lastminute.com, bmibaby.com
We had found nothing…….surely it shouldn’t be this hard to find a last minute flight!

I shifted over and let the Waa have a crack at the internet.
Clive asked if we’d like a drink, obviously we both answered in the positive….Clive produced a bottle of Canadian Whiskey (apparently)
He poured us all a large straight measure and we sipped away at it…..(two words about this drink……dog shit!!!)

I finished my drink and I think Clive could tell that I hadn’t enjoyed it so he offered me a drink of pernod, to which I gladly accepted.
He poured me a large measure and I took a sip….it was like drinking petrol…..I had a big shiver and a bit of a coughing fit.
Clive stated “I thought you liked pernod”, to which I answered “Oh I, I do….but what the fook is this shit?”

Clivey boy produced the bottle and then it all made sense..
I looked at the label and it was covered in strange little symbols…..not one letter of the alphabet on there
So I can only presume it was either some sort of Raki or Ouzo?  either way I finished the glass off….

By this point we were all getting a bit hootered and we were having no luck what so ever finding a flight out of the country.
We’d even broadened our search to look at Liverpool and blackpool airport as well as Manchester.

We’d been looking for around an hour now and the cheapest we could find was around £1200 for 3 flights to Amsterdam at 6:50 in the morning….
Still not deterred me and Waa switched places and I was back looking on the internet, Clive put the kettle on and made me and Waa a coffee.
Literally a couple of minutes later Clive looked at me and Waa and asked “Oy ye fookers….did you not make me a coffee?”
Me and Waa just looked at each other then looked at Clive and said “no you plum….you brewed up!!”

It was around 1:15am at this point and we had tunes banging out….
The realization that this impromptu trip wasn’t going to materialize dawned upon us..

It’s a real shame that we couldn’t find a flight as I’m sure it would of been a really good trip….

And I’m sure that the story would of been told for years to come..

How a quiet Tuesday night out in Lancaster ended up with 3 BOAD’s in the middle of Europe with nothing but a toothbrush and a phone charger each….

Oh well…..Maybe next Tuesday?