Woke Up This Morning And I Got Myself A Beer….

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Friday 24th Oct 2008 8am


Dododo didilly dododo Keep your eyes on the road your hands upon the wheel …. Dododo

Jebus what are those red thing coming towards me? Oh sh1t there break lights …………


Thursday 23rd Oct 2008 11pm


Dododo didilly dododo Keep your eyes on the road your hands upon the wheel …. Dododo

The now ritual murdering of one of Mr. Mojo Risin’s classics was in full flow so were the drinks, a nice easy start triple wodka followed by Hulks followed by Cheeky-vimto had help lubricate the vocal cords


Now while the BOAD need no excuse for a drinking session it was biff’s birthday so a Yorkie event was called and those that could did.  Now BOAD timing (BST) is legendary but even by our standard I’d say we’ve excelled by bring FNA forward by a whole 24hrs it was only the branding on my left hand that reminded me we’d ventured into the toot. The highlight of that trip was Biff bluetoothing a photo “The toilet” (see earlier blog) to the entire bar and the two greedies sat near us going for their nokia’s in unison then looking dazed and confused! a look which would be on Big A and Biff faces several hours later after “those shots” but more on that later.


After a visit to HQ and the toot we ventured to LA1 where in line with the silliness that had started with ordering Usuals as the opening gambit a round of Desperado’s was ordered and shot gunned quicker than you can say “time to get outta dodge pilgrim!”


The eclectic mix of alcohol was working it’s magic by the time we arrived at Bentleys while Big A was ordering the drinks Waa n Biff we’re selecting the tunes.  Now I can’t remember the entire sound track to the evening but I feel we should apologise to the artic monkeys for our re-working of teddy picker (sorry lads) anywho after impressing the amassed toots with our vocal talents (err should that not me massive toots?) it was time for

re-fuelling and this is where the special shots came into play, now the Waa found some grade A common sense and declined Munka smelt the glass and almost passed out but also managed to decline, remember “I only buy them, I don’t make you drink them” so this left Biff & Big A with two each one after another they drank then sat in silence for what seemed like forever and than from nowhere they were both on their feet hot footing it to the dance floor with moves to bust!


From Bentleys we went to hustle loosing Waa on the way to what sounded like the taxi ride from Hell, every bump in the road leaving our hero ever closer to having to stump up the £75 you lose charge!  Fortunately Waa is a professional BOAD and survived to get home to be thankful.


Email Friday 24th Oct 2008 10:23am


Tomorrow is Thanks Giving Day but last night I was thankful.


Thankful of my choices.


Thankful that I chose not to drink the shot that Biff purchased last

night (choice A)


Thankful that I went home when the body told me “NO MORE” (Choice B)


Thankful that regardless of Thankful choices A and B, I was on the

“brink” of losing the entire nights consumption in a “one’r” but

thankfully held it in.


I thanked myself and my wallet thanked me that regardless of

thankfulness above, I did not infact vomit in the taxi on the way

home and hence was thankful further having noticed the reminder in the

taxi window of a £75 soiling charge.


I thanked my composure that although I was one millmetre away from the

dreaded “hoyyyyy”, I managed to “breath” through it all the way home

in “taxi’s from hell r us”.

However, I am not thankful of this “horrible” sensation I am currently



I hear that call it a “hang over”.


I’ll be thankful for home time I tell thee.



Thursday 23rd Oct 2008 Midnight(ish)


So onto the lounge and R&B night I have little to report due to the A section of TNA kicking in I do recall bumping and grinding to some slick RnB the fact that we cleared the dance floor would suggest either we intimidated the locals or more likely we looked like dads dancing at a wedding.


I left soon after this safe in the knowledge that I’d get a lie in Saturday morning, problem was this was TNA not FNA do’h and did the 7am alarm clock enjoy telling me !!!!  Not 100% sure what Biff n A did after I left but it ended in more trophy food and the phrase “Kill me now” so I’m guessing biff is suffering along with the rest of us! Oh well just 364 day to go.


Friday 24th 14:26


Status update – I think Waa has put TBC on permanent temporary position.

It’s All In The Look……

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Well my 1st week of jury service is over with, I was hoping to be blogging about some hard hitting court rooms drama’s etc……

But just how much can i blog about being sat in the same room, with the same 16 people for 7 hours a day?

Every Single case that has been lined up for us has ended in the defendants pleading guilty at the last second.  Selfish bast*rds….

I think the most interesting point came on Tuesday…..

When i arrived at the waiting room, there were double the amount of people in there…..seems that the coroners jury was in session.

Not that interesting really, but as its a small room, with a limited amount of seating, everybody had to play a game similar to musical chairs…..Nobody dare shift from their seat unless they desperately needed the loo of a fag etc

Firstly, we got to sit through Lethal Weapon 2…..Twice..

I made it a couple of hours, guarding my chair…..

Time came for a toilet break and a much needed fag, so i go to deal with the most desperate first….A Fag.

3 chain smoked fags later and i goto the toilet…..I wouldn’t normally mention these type of visits, but on this trip something odd occured…..

Now remember that this court is housed in the Castle, so i wasn;t expecting luxury amenities etc….

But when i opened the cubicle door  i was quite surprised to see a very basic toilet……complete with what looked like an original seat…..i.e a plank of wood with a small circle sawed into it.

Now sometimes my sense of humour is quite odd, so i decided to take a snap of said toilet to send to somebody with a message of “Historic shitters of Shitsville”…..Not really funny but at this point you have no idea how bored i was…..

Anyway, the cubicle was too small to take the snap from inside…..So picture the scene…..

I am stood outside the cubicle, holding the door open, camera in hand……

Just before the shutter snaps, the door opens and in walks a barrister…..fully wigged up etc……And then the shutter decided to make its noise of “Cer-Click”……

I looked at him….he looked at me……he looked towards the cublicle (from his angle he wouldnt have been able to see if there was anbody in there)……then he looked back at me and quickly backed up and left……without using the facilities…..

Its fair to say that it was quite an embarrassing situation……

All i can say is I’m just so glad that he didnt wink at me…..

Hopefully this week I’ll have something more important and interesting to Blog about……but i doubt it……

You Have To Be In It To Win It

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So…..it seems that being a tax paying member of the country does have yet another downside….Looks like i’ve won the lottery…..and not the good one!

Late last year, one Friday evening, after returning home from work, I see that i have received a letter in a brown envelope…..Nothing out of the ordinary there, i do get the odd piece of mail, usually just the same old Bills, Pre-approved credit cards and cut price garden furniture adverts that the rest of us get…..but on closer examination i see that there is a “Crown Court” seal on the back of the envelope.

It’s fair to say that at this point, i had what can only be described as a mild panic attack.  But with it being Friday, I was in a rush to get a shower, get dressed and meet the rest of the BOAD for the usual F.N.A session, so i decided to leave the envelope unopened until I had more time to prepare myself for whatever fate the GPO had stuffed through my door. ( I say left unopened but in honesty it looked like the envelope had been pried open and re-sealed by some nosey mail sorters. I think it was the large strip of brown masking tape along the flap that gave it away).

Anyway, I made it out for F.N.A and as the saying goes…F.N.A – if you remember it, you just weren’t there.  So time ticks by along with my memory, a couple of weeks go by and then i re-find the brown envelope, at the bottom of my “To-Do” pile……Shit!

Again, the panic kicks in, not only for fear of what the contents are, but now because i have left it 2 weeks without reading it and it could have been really important (And by important i mean i now have even less time left to book my ticket for the costa del sol in case i need to “Go On Holiday” until things quiet down)

I’m sure that everybody has seen the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory…..Picture the part of the film where Charlie has just found out that there’s still one golden ticket left and is slowly opening his chocolate bar…..

Same sort of thing…..

I peel back one corner of my envelope and peek inside…..I can see pink paper. Not being sure if thats a good sign or not, i go for a brew and a fag and start trying to remember where i have left the big suitcase.

Round 2…..This time i peel the flap back completely…..the envelope is now open……another curious look inside and i can see the Crown Court seal and the word “Summons”…..Quickly off for another fag, now trying to recall in which safe place i left my passport and hoping that its still in date.

Round 3……This time I’m prepared……Got my passport in my back pocket, found my suitcase and have poured a larrrgeee vodka.  The vodka gets chinned, but it is pretty strong, so once i’ve stopped pulling my “coming face” i delve into the envelope and pull out the contents…..

I quickly scan the letter for any instant clues as to whether i should phone the taxi for the airport….all i see in my quick flurry is SUMMONS, the Crown Court seal, then my name and address and the the words “juror number”……Wait…..what was that last part…..juror…….number……?

My heart beat calms down a little and i wipe the sweat off my brow as i decide the best thing to do is actually read the fecking letter from top to bottom…..so thats what i do…..

You have been summonsed for jury service. Your name was randomly selected from the Electoral register. Jury service is an important public duty…..etc etc…..

With a breath of releif that could have started its own Tsunami, i lean back, pour another vodka, chin it and after another “coming face” incident (twice in one night…..things must be picking up!)  i relax a little.

My initial thought is that i cant wait to do it….always wanted too……(maybe i’ve just watched too many movies though!)

Then i see the dates, Monday 4th February 2008……Having read the letter cover to cover twice i realise that I am going away to Poland with the Lads on the 22nd of Feb, and the letter says jury service will take 2 weeks, possibly more.

So i fill in my reply sayiing i will be away just after the date that i am due to start my service and I’m also away the month after, skiing in Italy…..I also make up a few other trips for good measure in the hope that they will see that i am busy and/or just really can’t be arsed doing it.

Form filled in, flap licked (Ooeer!) and letter posted…..Job done!

…….If only things really were that easy…….

A month later i receive another letter, also with the Crown Court seal on……but this time i’m prepared, no suitcae and passport hunting this time…..I was expecting confirmation that i wouldn’t have to go and do the jury service…..no such luck…..The only month that i hadnt said i had a trip in, real or made up, was october……so needless to say, my new date for jury service was now 13th October.

So here i am……Preparing for my 1st day on the bench……

The story will continue

The Magnificent 7 Plus One

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The following events may or may not be true but names have been changed simply so if a movie is made I don’t have to pay royalties.

On a wet Saturday afternoon 7 intrepid boad plus one ventured owt and headed for the spiritual home of the greedies, our hero’s, in no particular order Waa, Pye, GP, #2, Munka, Uni, Capt Quint & Leathal met @ the George in Torrisholme where the first couple of rounds got consumed and supplies for the long road ahead got purchased. Once warmed up everyone climb onboard the Bus abily piloted by Rob Roy. The trips roughly about 45-50 mins so of course we had to stop on route for more beer! so by the time we arrived it was around tea time and the weather had got even worse! We paid Rob roy enough cash to buy the bus outright, hey at least Dick Turpin had the good grace to wear a mask! after a drink in the nearest pub to the drop of point we braved the rain for as long as we could before ducking into a boozer just short of the prom.  Now myself Waa and GP were on point head down straight to the bar Pye however took a moment to survey his suroundings and with the aid of a two metre high neon signed and a gay Syl Stallone lookalike realised that the magnificent 7 plus 1 had found a bar electric six would enjoy! Waa still busy concentrating on getting a round in totally miss the “big boy” free lube on the bar and ordered himself a refreshing bottle of becardy breezer, by the time our surrounding became clear most of the group had drinks and being boad we were duty bound to comsume said product before leaving. Pye stayed outside but as it was raining sheltered in a phonebox he was in there so long I exspected him to come out in full superman costume !!!!.  Anywho onto the next bar and by this time everyone is starting to get a bit hit n missed so we decided to go to the local Italian for a few bottles of vino, Now @ this point we lost our plus 1 but recieved news of re-enforcements in the form of MC and Yanner who we met later in Branigans, Now MC had been on a date in the afternoon so by the time we found him he was ”to legit to quit” and we decided to head to a bar where you “can’t touch this” actually in true boad sytle we left branigans via the back door and the group got split some headed to a laptop dancing joint others to a rock bar! now to protect the innocent I won’t say who went where but as I was sat in the laptop dancing joint I said to (spoiler alert)  come on the lads can grass thenselves up!.  So by the time we re-grouped it was heading towards midnight which was cue for uni and MC to have a wee nap! with several more beers in th etank the group once again split we the high rollers heading to Uncle Stanleys and the Palyers hitting another club.  The boad hit Stanleys hard leaving the poker emporium  needing to ask Lehman Bros for a loan.