With the bank holiday looming it was time for Mrs. Munka and myself to head out on a mini road trip to visit the ‘old country’ for Daggatt’s birthday. Now in preparation for the Friday drive the lads had a full on session on Thursday night so you can imagine how please I was when on Friday morning Linz said she’d drive! Anyway as you’d expect several hours later I found myself driving down the motorway FNA and a full weekend’s drinking ahead of me.

Dag lives in a village in Glossop called Hadfield but you’ll know it better as “Royston Vasey” yeah this is where the TV show was filmed and as Mrs. Dag (The lovely Jade) puts it most of the locals have webbed feet!. The league of gentlemen effect started early when Dag turns on the QVC Hardware channel and there’s this guy painting fence panels with a sprayer which retails for £29.95 it’s 8pm on a Friday and he’s watching the shopping channel ???? fortunately it’s not a case of him being in Royston to long (welcome to Royston Vasey you’ll never leave) but the guy is actually his next door neighbour !!!! anywho move on an hour and we’re in the local pub for local people it’s split into two halves the vault and the lounge, we sit in the vault as the lounge is full of Garyoke singers! So this girl ask if we want to buy raffle tickets £1 a strip winner takes the pot! We pool our tickets and a few minutes later dag is off to the lounge to collect our winnings £57 pund !!! however, and this set the tone for the weekend it wasn’t quit that simple. he had to do a play your cards right higher lower games needless to say despite a great effort we lost on a dodgy six do’h. Safe in the knowledge though that we would clean up on the nags at haydock park the next day we finished our beers and headed home.

So with several beers already in the tank and with the sun shining I found my self sat in the grand stand at Haydock Park race course. I thought to myself who do I know who has the inside track on the sport of kings? Ah tall Paul, so I text the Waa to get his number and in true boad style I get a reply just before the final race of the day doh. Anywho I manage to pick a string of losers all by myself, still the beers going down well and Mrs. Munka has bought me a burger so life’s good. By mid afternoon the sun is blazing the girls have all dressed up, little black dresses and hooker heels so I’m really living the good life all that’s missing is the high roller bets, roll on race number six.

The only thing special about race six is that it has a small field (six runners) the favourite is odds on with the rest of the pack more or less the same. So I put my usual £5 to win bet on a nag (can’t even remember its name now) and Mrs. Munka asks me to place a £2 pund each way bet on this horse called Andrew Nick. With the bets placed I head back to the group and more importantly my beer.
“Can I see my ticket?” asked Mrs. M so I pass it over and she goes white “Tell me you didn’t bet that much?” it turns out the guys input the bet wrong and put £202 each way instead of £2. As this is a small field each way only pays out on 1st or 2nd if this mule gets home first though? I’d get £1010 second place nets me £404 come on live the dream.

Just before the off I picture text Biff the betting slip. Pete the lad I’m watching the race with points out it’s now second favourite someone must have put a big bet on!  . And there off three miles roughly two and a half times round the course with jumps the tension is massive! Almost right away there is a faller but it’s ok it not Andrew nick so that’s five horses left they make it round once and amazingly it’s actually winning then the commentator on the loud speaker yells “on the back straight we have a faller” Do’h hang on though it’s not my horse and even better one of the remaining nags has been slowed up by the faller that mean with ¾ of the race gone there are only really three horse left in it and I only need to finish one or two to be in the bucks! Come on !!!! as they rounded the bend onto the home straight I headed to the rail to get a better view the favourite comes striding past then three lengths back and well clear of the third placed animal is Andrew Nick it’s now just got to finish and I’m £404 pund to the good! Race done and dusted all I need to do is collect my ill gotten gains and convince Mrs. Munka that really these are my winnings!!!!

Now as the song says you’ve got to know when to walk ….. I wait for a few other punter to crowd around the bookie waiting to collect so as not to draw attention to myself…. It’s all about being calm and collected it’s at this point Pete points out I’m cueing at the wrong bookies do’h smooth real smooth

So I finally get to the front and hand over my betting slip and the guy says

“Son, I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces,
And knowin’ what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
And if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.”

Well he actually said your not claiming you put on that bet?
Next thing this official looking guy turns up saying he’s the course director and it’s a criminal offence to claim you’ve put on a bet that you haven’t

Now at this point I think back to the movie casino and the guy with this head in the vice but hey this is £400 right? So trying to keep it together I say hey that’s what it says on the slip.

Now what happened next I guess is like when 0 green comes up on roulette or you have a full house only to be beaten by a straight flush, The course director pulls out a second slip with cancelled printed across it and makes it clear if I want to claim I laid that bet we could discuss it in the office. Now my name is not Earl but I do believe in karma. I have to admit I really wanted to give my name as being Kevin Lewis but I didn’t want to have to start a list so had to let it go. On the plus side that race was by far the most exciting horse race I’ve ever watched Mrs. Munka was happy with her £10 and I still have all my fingers!

“Ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’ Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep. ‘Cause ev’ry hand’s a winner and ev’ry hand’s a loser, “

Oh Jim text me back a little later on
“That nag came 2nd! Was that your ticket and how much you win from it?”

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em,Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table. There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done”.