So…..at the beginning of last week I woke up and thought I had slept a bit funny on my ear as it was a bit tingly and sore…..
Later that day it started to really ache, but i thought nothing of it. Anyway, it got steadily worse throughout the day, and as the week passed by my head and teeth both started to ache too.
So BOAD night (Thursday) came around and I venture out with a plan of “Drink Untill I Can’t Feel My Head”
Two or three long island iced teas in and the pain starts to subside, happy days! It wasn’t until later that night that the pain came back with a vengence. I wasn’t sure if it was my earache or the terrible attempts on the Bentleys Karoke that were nearly making my ears bleed…..but I just had to get out of there and go home.
Friday morning I woke up and felt like death….but theres nothing out of the ordinary there…..I just thought that it was just the usual BOAD hangover after a BOAD sized night out.
So later at work, after I’d finished off the BOAD hangover recovery pack (sausage and bacon bun + bottle lucozade + 2 paracetemols) the day started to pick up a little and the day flew past….the fact that i felt leathered until at least 2pm seemed to help.
Anyway, a quick contact to the BOAD (and affiliates) and it’s time for FNA (Friday Night Amnesia)
We meet up earlish and hit the cocktail bars. Needless to say, my head, teeth and ear were all already banging away like a cheap dutch whore even before i had left home, so adding stupidly strong cocktails into the mix meant that i got “merry” very quickly.
A little later on and The Top Whop joins us so suitable drinks and shots are ordered and we continue on the night.
Just a little bit of a rewind here……It had been quite a strange night from the start….
We’d started the night off in the Friary and I’d got the round in of the traditional “First and only pint of lager you’re allowed on a BOAD night”
After that we’d moved on to the Mint Bar. now obviosuly when we go to Mint, we drink the strongest cocktails that they are willing to sell us……But what happened really was an amazing thing to see….
There were 5 off us in the group at this time and as we walked into the bar….everybody still looked as though they were walking forward but in fact they weren’t actually covering any ground.
So I stand near the bar and wait for the others to slowly drift towards me. Its fantastic….it seems nobody wants to get the round in….
Now it may seem a little unfair here, but I’m sure I have bought more than my fair share of expensive rounds on BOAD nights out…in the mint and every other bar in town.
So I was a little hacked off when eventually the majority of the lads made it down to the bar and then instantly became enthralled with sending text/reading texts and generally looking busy.
After asking whose getting the round in, 2 of the BOAD’s said “Oh i don’t want to get a drink in here, its too expensive”…..even more hacked off now as they don’t seem to find it too expensive when somebody else is handing over the cash…..
So they say “Lets go next door (Last orders – used to be Nags Head) for a drink….oh its my round….what you having.
Now its fair to say I can be a little picky about some of the pubs i go into…..and there was not a chance I was going into that particular shit hole.
So we walk towards the exit of Mint and as the other eagerly 3 disapear into Last orders i turn to Munka and say…..”We’re not really going in there are we? Fancy a Usual in here (mint)?”
And that sort of set the Tone for the evening…..I think it was only in the Lounge later on that we all met up again.
…..Anyway…rant over with……
It still worked out to be a good night and I think my last memories are of drinking Pear Vodka, waving the Top Whop goodbye from the Vodka bar and then bumping into a *VERY* drunk TBC in the Lounge.
The Saturday moring hangover arrives with the added bonus of my still banging tooth and ear so i decide to write Saturday off and stay in bed.
A quick sleep later and i’m woken up by a text and an offer of a bit of golf practice. Feck me…it’s Sunday morning already!
So rather than stay and rot in my pit I get out of the house for a few hours. But when i get home from the driving range I’m straight back to bed.
The Glory that is Monday morning rolls around and its time for work…where the feck did my weekend go!?!?
I make it to work and I feel rough…..I mean really rough……I think it was the 30 minutes i spent in the toilets dry wretching that convinced me to phone the doctors.
Now the last thing i need at this point is getting hassle from a jobsworth type!
I get the number for the doctors and dial it…..beeeeep beep beeeeep beep…engaged.
I rediall….still engaged…..
After 45 minutes of red button->green button I finally get through……
“Hello Morecambe Health Center”
-”Hello, I need to make an appointment to see a doctor please”
“What sort of appointment would you like?”
-”Wha…?? Err to see a doctor please”
60 seconds of hearing nothing but sublte little clicks……
“I’m sorry but we don’t have any appointments today, is it an emergency?”
-”Err What’s an emergency? I just need to see a doctor and the sooner the better please”
“Well an emergency is where you need to see a doctor for health reasons”
-”Well flower, I’ve phoned the doctors surgery and I’ve asked to see a doctor……so does that cover it?”
“What is it thats wrong with you?”
-”……….pardon?”
“What is it thats wrong with you?”
-”Are you a doctor?”
“No…..”
-”I’m not being funny, but I don’t feel the need to discuss my health issues with a receptionist, when’s the next available time i can see a real doctor please”
“It’s our protocol to ask and assess wheter or not its an emergency”
-”So how many years were you at medical school?”
“Ohh I’ve not been to medical school”
-”So how can you access if its an emergency or not”
“Oh well i have to listen to what the symptoms are and then decide on how serious it sounds”
-”So basically you have no training and you just flip a coin?”
“What do you mean by that?”
-”Well I’ve got just as much medical training as you have, and I think that i need to see a doctor, and i think its an emergency……can you fit me in this afternoon?
“Sorry but it doesnt work like that, if you are uncomfortable telling me all the reasons you need to see a doctor, just tell me the basics”
At this point my ear is banging, the dry wretches are getting ever closer and my head feels like somebody is stamping on it……But that doesn’t stop me having fun with her….
So i quietly whisper……”I’ve got a Hamster stuck up my arse”
“Sorry I’m not sure if i heard that correctly”
-”It’s been hurting for a few days now”
“sorry can you repea…..”
-”I’ve tried sticking a bunch of Q-Tips in there but I’m not sure if thats what started this whole problem off in the first place!”
“…….what…”
-”It really is starting to hurt now and i can’t move without it hurting”
“…..”
-”Somebody told me that putting Warm oil in it may help?”
“……”
-”I’ve heard that a few rock stars suffer from this same problem?”
“sorry but did you say a Hamster…..?”
-”A Hamster…..what does that mean? I said i’ve got an earache flower……now what time can you fit me in?”
“……..Hmmpf……..can you make it at 2:30″
-”Certainly…..thanks for your help”
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