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Time Travel, Pie Charts, Logo’s And Idiots

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From: Simon

Date: Monday 19 April 2010 2.19pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Logo Design

Hello James,
I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days?

I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon


From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 3.52pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment.

Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, James.

 

01

 


From: Simon
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 4.11pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead.

I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did.

If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 5.27pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
You are correct and I apologise.

Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original.

Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more ‘cutting edge’ and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950′s but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve.

Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, James.

02

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 11.07am
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has.

The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 1.36pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations.

This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father’s portable generator to the back of my BMX bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel.

Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the pavewment at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report “Cause of accident?”

I stated ‘time travel attempt’ but she wrote down ‘stupidity’.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon’s the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, James.

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.29pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about.

The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year.

When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght.

Ciao.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.58pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

03

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.10pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you.

You have to be a fucking smart arse about it.

All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.25pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience.

For free.

With pie charts. Usually when people don’t ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my house, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living.

Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of “Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that”, this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, James

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.43pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

What the fuck is your point?
Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.02pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

04

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.13pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Do not ever email me again.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.19pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, James

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.27pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Get fucked.

Oh God No!

By admin No Comments

This week i found myself in Kendal, watching my lady perform with her vocal talents.

As we were walking out of the venue for a MacDonalds break we were confronted by a smart suited individual.

His polite manner and warm smile seemed to be way out of place hanging around the entrance/exit to Bootleggers, a local music pub.

As we passed him he greeted us and asked if we could spare a minute to hear a very important message about faith and a saviour.

I’d already clicked that these were mormons (LJ’s lot!)  and had already started to prepare an array or retorts to get rid of them quickly.

He asked “Do you know about Jesus Christ?”

My reply….”Of course I do……he’s Gordon Bennet’s nephew isn’t he?”

His reply “Do you not believe in god?”

My reply “No, I don’t put much weight in fiction, I much prefer solid facts such as a scientific view of how the earth was created.”

He must have been a fledgling missionary as he started to falter and stutter a little here….way way before I thought he would have done (shame really as i had a ton of material to fire at him)

He asked me again “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?”

My answer “Sorry…but how can you ask me that whilst keeping a straight face? You’re asking me if I believe that some cosmic jewish zombie can make me live forever if I symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that I accept him as my master, so he can remove an evil force from my soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat an apple from a magical tree”

(He was done for at this point….It’s not sport continuing after a fatal shot)

He picked his jaw up from the floor and asked….”Well….do you know anybody that wants to believe in God?……?”

I said “Jog on mate….that’s your job  isn’t it?”

I left him going through his papers and notes trying to find a reply…..think he’s still there now……

Oh well…

BOAD 1 – MORMONS 0

zombiejesus