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Knock Knock – Woof Woof

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Two Door knocking Chuggers rapped loudly on my door tonight.

They make my blood boil!
They knocked and asked and I gave a polite “No thank you”.
Then flowed a torrent of quotes on why it is important for me to make a donation and how much i would be helping and i can do it by direct debit and i really really would be helping.
A second, more stern, “I have already told you no” only uncovered a wealth of previously unseen sympathy seeking literature, with graphics pictures and bold titles in TIMES NEW ROMAN font.
A third “NO” was met with a confrontational “Why don’t you want to donate, do you not believe in charity?

The red mist started to descend and i fully opened my front door and stepped out.
Stood nose to nose with the pair of them i informed them that the dog they could hear viciously barking and clawing at the gate would like to meet them and if they were still on my doorstep in 5 seconds that the introduction would be made.
I then got my phone out and lined up a shot on the camera.
When they asked what i was doing i replied “I’m just getting ready to take some graphic photos of the attack that is about to take place…..just in case you need some for your ‘I’m a chugger that annoys people and got bit by a dog’ charity pamphlets”
As i reached for the gate latch they were already gone.

 

I do donate to Charities, but only the ones I choose with my own free will, mostly to do with the way their plights have effected either me, my family or my friends.

Milk, Face, Bread, Bothered

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I nipped into Asda earlier and after grabbing a couple items I went to check out.

Usually I would just go through the self checkout but all the queues were full so i went through a manned checkout desk.

The young girl sat behind the till was a carbon copy of Vicky Pollard (face bovvered), she had a face like a slapped ar$e and all the charisma of a day old doner kebab.

I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

“£1.39 please”

“Sorry this is all I’ve got,” as I handed her a £20 note.

“Haven’t you got anything smaller, ‘cos it will take all my change, and I don’t wanna count out £18.61?” she replied and pulled a stroppy face.

“I’ve got nothing, if that helps,” I replied…she didn’t get it so I thought feck it, I’ll pay by card as i was losing the will to live and was considering walking to the kitchenware isle to find a spoon to poke my own eyes out with.

“Shall I pay by card?” I asked.

“Don’t do me no favours,” she snapped.

Usually I would have smiled at her and requested to see her manager, but lucky for her I was in a rush today. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.

“Cash back?” she asked sarcastically.

I couldn’t resist it… “Oh yes, £18.61 please.”

Don’t f*ck with a tired man…

That is all.

Going Postal – Always Be Closing…..

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Just nipped into the local post office to pick up a couple of passport application forms for the kids.

We should have allowed more than 5 minutes for this visit as we were bombarded with a well structured and leading sales pitch from the off.

-”Booked anywhere nice have you sir?”

-”no, not yet”

-”Well when you do, you know that we offer a foreign money on demand service that is unrivalled”

-”Oh right, good to know”

-”…and a world class insurance policy – talking of insurance, do you have a minute to discuss your life insurance?”

Every visit to the post office is the same, bombarded with a torrent of sales pitches, and my missus knows that…so i knew it was war when she started walking towards the door and piped up with “Oh he doesn’t have life insurance and really does need some!”

…..you could see the man behind the counter’s eyes light up like he had won the jackpot on the bingo.

I nearly swallowed my own tongue in an attempt to say “NO I DON’T HAVE ANY AND DON’T WANT ANY – AND EVEN IF I WANTED SOME I WOULDN’T BUY IT FROM THE BLOODY POST OFFICE!” as I ran towards the exit.

The last sight I saw was when i opened the exit door and looked back……the man behind the counter leant over with his mouth near to the opening at the bottom of the window shouting “BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN SIR, WHO WILL LOOK AFTER THE CHILDREN IF YOU DON’T HAVE LIFE INSURANCE!?!?!?”

And on that note we left the building……roughly the same time as his dignity did…..

Blue Badge Red Mist

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I love the smell of Road rage in the morning.

This particular morning I was actually party to passenger road rage, a new experience!

Being that Nell, my partner, was driving as she was taking our disabled (Mild Spastic Diplegia) daughter to a specialist hospital for some tests and she was dropping me off at work on the way.

As we came round the corner near to my work we were met with a taxi driver struggling to get past 2 awkwardly parked cars, both parked on double yellow lines on opposite sides of the road and staggered.

We waited until the taxi driver had squeezed through before pulling a little closer.

Our car is a big hefty land rover so we had no chance if the small compact taxi only just managed to get past by breathing in and exchanging a little bit of paint and rust, so we beeped the horn in the hope that the ignorant drivers would realise that they had effectively blocked off an entire street with their inconsiderate parking.

We were only meters away from work at this point, but i didn’t want to abandon my missus and leave her stranded.

Opposite work is the main City post office.  As I watched, a man looked over at the beeping, raised his hand and then ran down to his car. My first thought was that he was just going to jump in and move it, but life is never that simple.

He just stood in front of our car and made a gesture as to say, what you beeping for, you can get through there. Now if we hadn’t just sat and watched a much smaller car only just scrape though we may have attempted it.

But, instead (and also because I hadn’t had my morning quota of coffee yet) I opened the door and clearly and loudly shouted, “Stop waving your arms about and shift your car!”

To which he replied “I have a disabled badge, I’m allowed to park where I like”

 


At this point it is worth pointing out that as we have personal experience of  dealing with a disabled persons rights therefore we know that blue badge holders cannot “park where they want”.

Quote from “The Blue Badge Scheme:Rights and responsibilities”

Do not park where it would endanger, inconvenience or obstruct pedestrians or other road users.

Examples of dangerous or obstructive parking include the following, although there are others:

 - where it would make the road narrow;

 - where it would hold up traffic, such as in narrow stretches of road or blocking vehicle entrances;

 - on a pavement, unless signs permit it

The back quarter of his car was on the pavement so not only was he blocking the road off, but also the pavement.

Also a point to note that disabled badges are given to the following

People who are registered blind – he clearly wasn’t
People who have a permanent and substantial disability that makes walking impossible or very difficult - his 100m sprint from the post office that would make Usain Bolt worried verifies he is very mobile!


I’ve never quite felt the experience of my blood boiling before, but this statement opened up a  new doorway to a whole new level of rage.

I replied “You have a disabled badge? You didn’t look that disabled just then when you sprinted down from the post office! Get in you car and shift it!!”

His reply “Oh sorry, I didn’t realise that i was holding up a doctor from his rounds”

At this point I felt myself reaching to click off the seatbelt button and one foot creeping out of the door so I could address my points of view directly to the other blokes nose.

Instead, I took a deep breath, counted to 5 and replied  ”For all you know I could be a doctor, and if i was i wouldn’t give you a bloody blue badge”

I then closed the car door as I could feel my red mist rising.

He stood flapping his arms about until I gave him “a look” and gestured that it may be better for him to move his car sooner rather than later before he truly became entitled to a blue badge.

 

To be honest, he probably got a bit rougher treatment than he deserved as I was already in a terrible mood with scroungers and fake claimers from watching the morning news. Illegal immigrants claiming benefits in the UK.

I guess I know where a large chunk of TAX from my hard earned wages goes each month now.

 

And on a side note, Regarding Our daughter and Disability Living Allowance… She was born very early with mild cerebral palsy and although she has trouble walking for more than a few steps without severe pain, has noticeable ”absences”, has night terrors, has fine motor skill problems, has learning difficulties, cannot remember more than one thing at a time.etc etc… she is not ”disabled enough” to be entitled to DLA payments apparently. I wonder how the jogger/driver from this mornings incident would get on if he was re-investigated?  I wish i’d taken a note of his registration plate now.

“It’s Ok We’re Insured!”

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Would you Adam and eve it it’s only a donkeys ear since MC the cockerney fridge freezer ‘s last birthday so it’s time to put your brass bands in the old sky rockets dig out your bread and honey and by the old Ethan hunt an Edna everage or a pigs ear!  With some Donald duck there’ll be some Cadbury’s swirls down the old battle cruiser to spy with the old pork pies! We’ll be having it Mick jagger my old china plates until we’re all Oliver twist!  It’d be a lemon and lime not to be there!  Catch you all Christian slater jog on.
BOAD translation F.N.A v MCHammer it’ll be messy!

glad to help…..

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From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 9.15am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Poster

Hi

I opened the door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my street this afternoon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the only photo of her I have, she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 9.26am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, James.

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 9.37am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.17am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive Winkle picker Shoes. They were a size too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few streets away from my place, I decided to walk. After the first street, I lost all feeling in my feet.

Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Vodka & Redbull onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, he then shoved me and grunted at me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker, resulting in a two inch open gash.

In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige pants.

I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, James.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.24am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a movie poster and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.28am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, James.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.33am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

 

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.46am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with programmers and designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy roads or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, James.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.59am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

 

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.14am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.21am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

 

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.32am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my house and explained the concept of cat litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen pounds.

He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, James.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.47am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.58am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed.

I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, James.

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.07pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

 

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.22pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.34pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have £2000!! What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.42pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.51pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

 

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.56pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 1.03pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

World War Cup 2010

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This world cup is turning into World War II…..

France & Italy have  surrendered early, the Yanks have turned up at the last minute and we’re left to fight fecking the Germans!!

Let’s hope we stuff them 4-2 just like 1966…..for Bobby…..

Time Travel, Pie Charts, Logo’s And Idiots

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From: Simon

Date: Monday 19 April 2010 2.19pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Logo Design

Hello James,
I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days?

I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon


From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 3.52pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment.

Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, James.

 

01

 


From: Simon
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 4.11pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead.

I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did.

If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 5.27pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
You are correct and I apologise.

Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original.

Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more ‘cutting edge’ and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950′s but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve.

Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, James.

02

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 11.07am
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has.

The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 1.36pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations.

This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father’s portable generator to the back of my BMX bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel.

Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the pavewment at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report “Cause of accident?”

I stated ‘time travel attempt’ but she wrote down ‘stupidity’.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon’s the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, James.

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.29pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about.

The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year.

When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght.

Ciao.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.58pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

03

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.10pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you.

You have to be a fucking smart arse about it.

All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.25pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Dear Simon,
Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience.

For free.

With pie charts. Usually when people don’t ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my house, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living.

Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of “Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that”, this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, James

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.43pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

What the fuck is your point?
Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.02pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

04

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.13pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Do not ever email me again.

 


From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.19pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, James

 


From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.27pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

 

Get fucked.

Oh God No!

By admin No Comments

This week i found myself in Kendal, watching my lady perform with her vocal talents.

As we were walking out of the venue for a MacDonalds break we were confronted by a smart suited individual.

His polite manner and warm smile seemed to be way out of place hanging around the entrance/exit to Bootleggers, a local music pub.

As we passed him he greeted us and asked if we could spare a minute to hear a very important message about faith and a saviour.

I’d already clicked that these were mormons (LJ’s lot!)  and had already started to prepare an array or retorts to get rid of them quickly.

He asked “Do you know about Jesus Christ?”

My reply….”Of course I do……he’s Gordon Bennet’s nephew isn’t he?”

His reply “Do you not believe in god?”

My reply “No, I don’t put much weight in fiction, I much prefer solid facts such as a scientific view of how the earth was created.”

He must have been a fledgling missionary as he started to falter and stutter a little here….way way before I thought he would have done (shame really as i had a ton of material to fire at him)

He asked me again “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?”

My answer “Sorry…but how can you ask me that whilst keeping a straight face? You’re asking me if I believe that some cosmic jewish zombie can make me live forever if I symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that I accept him as my master, so he can remove an evil force from my soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat an apple from a magical tree”

(He was done for at this point….It’s not sport continuing after a fatal shot)

He picked his jaw up from the floor and asked….”Well….do you know anybody that wants to believe in God?……?”

I said “Jog on mate….that’s your job  isn’t it?”

I left him going through his papers and notes trying to find a reply…..think he’s still there now……

Oh well…

BOAD 1 – MORMONS 0

zombiejesus

“If You Can’t See The North Korean By The Pool It’s Probably You.”

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Part 1: Despair in an arrivals lounge

Saturday 1st August 2009 approximately 12:25am I found myself in the empty arrivals lounge of Manchester International airport. Why I hear you ask was I not in departures? simple this was the only place in the airport with anything open and that was one over price coffee shop and an even more overly priced spar shop. Three hours later and I was still in the brightly lit soulless hanger. Bugger. The rest of the BOAD I can only believe where well and truly honkered at Big A’s engagement party.
I say believe simply because of the evidence of earlier that night. Jim called me up @ 21:58 to wish me the best for my trip a little worse for ware, then the Waa got on the phone and started singling and declaring his un dying love. Skip forward an hour to 22:47 and a drunken TBC calls up asking if I’m coming to the do? by my reckoning there was 13 minute left of it! All in the ……………………….timing eh!.

Anywho around 3am the check-in opens and we’re finally through and into the bars, restaurants and duty free shops. As ever there is a sports car to be won via a £25 pund raffle ticket this time it happens to be a Ferrari. I’m just having a look when the guy selling the tickets (remember its about 4am) comes over all full of sales patter. “So do you want a ticket?” Munka “what insurance group is it?” guy “err 17 I think?” “Na then me corsa’s only group 3″ “That’s ok we give you £6k towards the first years costs” I was asked to step away once I asked if the guy could hold my pint while I went for a test drive!.

Anyway we finally board the plane around 6am
several days before we left I was watching to news and my heart sank when a report said your home is more likely to be broken into if you live in Manchester. I could only surmise that this was due to Mickey’s popping over the motorway on the rob. Imagine my horror then sat on the plane when it becomes clear that our flight is delayed because a passenger has stolen a mobile and has been arrested and her bags need removing from the plane doh as her mates stand on the tarmac pointing out their bags (remember doing this lads!?) my belief in my fellow Man(cs) is restored as they re boarding the aircraft sounding like the less intelligent younger sisters of Stevie G and Jamie Carragher At least with them heading to Zante my house should be safe!!!!

Once we set off I slowly drift away to the trippy tones of Cypress Hill pumping from my mp3 while poor Mrs Munka has to chat to the mad woman stat next to her! I say chat in 3 ½ hours I don’t think she got a word in edge ways. The old battle axe is telling linz how she doesn’t drink at lunch well apart from a couple of beers and maybe a double bacardi priceless. When we land it’s beer o’clock ;) .

Part 2: A guide to dealing with PR staff and looky looky men

Now we all know how annoying it is especially on your first couple of days when every PR on every bar tries to pull you into their particular drinking establishment, it’s also very annoying while your trying to view the hot babe by the pool in stealth mode when the guy tries to sell you Rolax Watches and Reyband sunglasses. So Mrs. Munka came up with a brilliant plan, as the majority of tourist were either Brits or Italians the PR’s would ask if you spoke English Mrs Munka would reply in perfect English that she only spoke North Korean, now North Korea has a population of 23,479,088 people however none of them are allow out to play so it was a safe bet the bemused looking PR’s wouldn’t be able to parlez. There were only a few exceptions to the Rule the Lovely Lauren @ Venue (is anyone surprised really?) and Andy @ Fire Club a lad who reminded me of the Artic Monkey in his ability to chat for ever while throwing and catching a bottle of water but never actually managed to do what he was really there for i.e. get you in buying drinks!

Now one PR guy made a huge error in judgement while trying to sell Linz and I a boat trip around the island. He basically said we’d be able to see a mating pair of dolphins now I’m not sure who was most embarrassed him or Mrs. Munka when I told him animal porn did nothing for me and stomped off !!!!

Part 3: Drinks I’ve had a few but then again to few to mention

Now I’m not going to mention every watering hole I visited but one or two which deserve a mention are the Garyoke bar simply for it use of BOAD terminology and you got all the classics and Oasis bar which served by far and away the best long Island Ice teas and Mojitos on Zante.
Oh venue (Laurens bar) also served the worst sambuca ever it reminded me of HQ.

Part 4: Friday also available in Sober (Sorry out of stock) FNA

Now FNA goes on where ever you are in the world I’d like to write something about what occurred but of course I remember nothing!
One worthy note though. As some off you will know I like to change my facebook profile pic and status update each Friday out of respect for the forthcoming FNA event. The first Friday I logged in to find the following message from Jim

“If your logging on before 16th get yourself back pool side and order another larrrrrrge JD and Coke!”

Made me laugh anyway! And for the record I did just that ;)

Part 5: spent up, packed up fcuked off home

So as ever two weeks just flew by a few thing that deserve a mentioning are:

Final scores

Munka 2 – smokies 8 still not a patch on TBC in Crete about 50 bites was it mate?

Turtles 1 – Dolphins 0 – Zante is a famous breading ground for the swimming tortoises whom I note can breath both on land and under the ocean waves unlike the stupid fish.

A special thanks to the locals who during our stay had a religious festival which involved letting off banger type fire works at 7 in the morning Jebus I thought I’d booked two weeks in Beirut A special award has to go to the cockerel who lived on the farm next to the hotel who wasn’t going to be out done by fire works and crowed even louder good effort mate, I’m assuming he is a distant cousin of those birds that terrorised Hammer a while back? If only I’d had Kenny’s air riffle

Dolphins and cockerel apart it was a belting holiday had a brilliant time now its time to start saving and looking forward to the ski trip 2010

yiamas Munka !