Date: Monday 13 June 2011 9.15am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Poster

Hi

I opened the door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my street this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have, she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 9.26am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, James.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 9.37am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.17am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive Winkle picker Shoes. They were a size too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few streets away from my place, I decided to walk. After the first street, I lost all feeling in my feet.

Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Vodka & Redbull onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, he then shoved me and grunted at me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker, resulting in a two inch open gash.

In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige pants.

I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, James.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.24am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a movie poster and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.28am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, James.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.33am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.46am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with programmers and designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy roads or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, James.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 10.59am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.14am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.21am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.32am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my house and explained the concept of cat litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen pounds.

He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, James.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.47am

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 11.58am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed.

I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, James.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.07pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.22pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.34pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have £2000!! What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.42pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.51pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: James Eastwood

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 12.56pm

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 13 June 2011 1.03pm

To: James Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

France & Italy have  surrendered early, the Yanks have turned up at the last minute and we’re left to fight fecking the Germans!!

Let’s hope we stuff them 4-2 just like 1966…..for Bobby…..

Date: Monday 19 April 2010 2.19pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Logo Design

Hello James,
I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days?

I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon

From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 3.52pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment.

Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, James.

From: Simon
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 4.11pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead.

I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did.

If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 5.27pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
You are correct and I apologise.

Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original.

Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more ‘cutting edge’ and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950′s but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve.

Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, James.

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 11.07am
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has.

The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 1.36pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations.

This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father’s portable generator to the back of my BMX bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel.

Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the pavewment at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report “Cause of accident?”

I stated ‘time travel attempt’ but she wrote down ‘stupidity’.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon’s the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, James.

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.29pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about.

The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year.

When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght.

Ciao.

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.58pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.10pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you.

You have to be a fucking smart arse about it.

All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.25pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience.

For free.

With pie charts. Usually when people don’t ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my house, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living.

Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of “Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that”, this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, James

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.43pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the fuck is your point?
Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.02pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.13pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.19pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, James

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.27pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get fucked.

As we were walking out of the venue for a MacDonalds break we were confronted by a smart suited individual.

His polite manner and warm smile seemed to be way out of place hanging around the entrance/exit to Bootleggers, a local music pub.

As we passed him he greeted us and asked if we could spare a minute to hear a very important message about faith and a saviour.

I’d already clicked that these were mormons (LJ’s lot!)  and had already started to prepare an array or retorts to get rid of them quickly.

He asked “Do you know about Jesus Christ?”

My reply….”Of course I do……he’s Gordon Bennet’s nephew isn’t he?”

His reply “Do you not believe in god?”

My reply “No, I don’t put much weight in fiction, I much prefer solid facts such as a scientific view of how the earth was created.”

He must have been a fledgling missionary as he started to falter and stutter a little here….way way before I thought he would have done (shame really as i had a ton of material to fire at him)

He asked me again “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?”

My answer “Sorry…but how can you ask me that whilst keeping a straight face? You’re asking me if I believe that some cosmic jewish zombie can make me live forever if I symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that I accept him as my master, so he can remove an evil force from my soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat an apple from a magical tree”

(He was done for at this point….It’s not sport continuing after a fatal shot)

He picked his jaw up from the floor and asked….”Well….do you know anybody that wants to believe in God?……?”

I said “Jog on mate….that’s your job  isn’t it?”

I left him going through his papers and notes trying to find a reply…..think he’s still there now……

Oh well…

BOAD 1 – MORMONS 0

Saturday 1st August 2009 approximately 12:25am I found myself in the empty arrivals lounge of Manchester International airport. Why I hear you ask was I not in departures? simple this was the only place in the airport with anything open and that was one over price coffee shop and an even more overly priced spar shop. Three hours later and I was still in the brightly lit soulless hanger. Bugger. The rest of the BOAD I can only believe where well and truly honkered at Big A’s engagement party.
I say believe simply because of the evidence of earlier that night. Jim called me up @ 21:58 to wish me the best for my trip a little worse for ware, then the Waa got on the phone and started singling and declaring his un dying love. Skip forward an hour to 22:47 and a drunken TBC calls up asking if I’m coming to the do? by my reckoning there was 13 minute left of it! All in the ……………………….timing eh!.

Anywho around 3am the check-in opens and we’re finally through and into the bars, restaurants and duty free shops. As ever there is a sports car to be won via a £25 pund raffle ticket this time it happens to be a Ferrari. I’m just having a look when the guy selling the tickets (remember its about 4am) comes over all full of sales patter. “So do you want a ticket?” Munka “what insurance group is it?” guy “err 17 I think?” “Na then me corsa’s only group 3″ “That’s ok we give you £6k towards the first years costs” I was asked to step away once I asked if the guy could hold my pint while I went for a test drive!.

Anyway we finally board the plane around 6am
several days before we left I was watching to news and my heart sank when a report said your home is more likely to be broken into if you live in Manchester. I could only surmise that this was due to Mickey’s popping over the motorway on the rob. Imagine my horror then sat on the plane when it becomes clear that our flight is delayed because a passenger has stolen a mobile and has been arrested and her bags need removing from the plane doh as her mates stand on the tarmac pointing out their bags (remember doing this lads!?) my belief in my fellow Man(cs) is restored as they re boarding the aircraft sounding like the less intelligent younger sisters of Stevie G and Jamie Carragher At least with them heading to Zante my house should be safe!!!!

Once we set off I slowly drift away to the trippy tones of Cypress Hill pumping from my mp3 while poor Mrs Munka has to chat to the mad woman stat next to her! I say chat in 3 ½ hours I don’t think she got a word in edge ways. The old battle axe is telling linz how she doesn’t drink at lunch well apart from a couple of beers and maybe a double bacardi priceless. When we land it’s beer o’clock  .

Part 2: A guide to dealing with PR staff and looky looky men

Now we all know how annoying it is especially on your first couple of days when every PR on every bar tries to pull you into their particular drinking establishment, it’s also very annoying while your trying to view the hot babe by the pool in stealth mode when the guy tries to sell you Rolax Watches and Reyband sunglasses. So Mrs. Munka came up with a brilliant plan, as the majority of tourist were either Brits or Italians the PR’s would ask if you spoke English Mrs Munka would reply in perfect English that she only spoke North Korean, now North Korea has a population of 23,479,088 people however none of them are allow out to play so it was a safe bet the bemused looking PR’s wouldn’t be able to parlez. There were only a few exceptions to the Rule the Lovely Lauren @ Venue (is anyone surprised really?) and Andy @ Fire Club a lad who reminded me of the Artic Monkey in his ability to chat for ever while throwing and catching a bottle of water but never actually managed to do what he was really there for i.e. get you in buying drinks!

Now one PR guy made a huge error in judgement while trying to sell Linz and I a boat trip around the island. He basically said we’d be able to see a mating pair of dolphins now I’m not sure who was most embarrassed him or Mrs. Munka when I told him animal porn did nothing for me and stomped off !!!!

Part 3: Drinks I’ve had a few but then again to few to mention

Now I’m not going to mention every watering hole I visited but one or two which deserve a mention are the Garyoke bar simply for it use of BOAD terminology and you got all the classics and Oasis bar which served by far and away the best long Island Ice teas and Mojitos on Zante.
Oh venue (Laurens bar) also served the worst sambuca ever it reminded me of HQ.

Part 4: Friday also available in Sober (Sorry out of stock) FNA

Now FNA goes on where ever you are in the world I’d like to write something about what occurred but of course I remember nothing!
One worthy note though. As some off you will know I like to change my facebook profile pic and status update each Friday out of respect for the forthcoming FNA event. The first Friday I logged in to find the following message from Jim

“If your logging on before 16th get yourself back pool side and order another larrrrrrge JD and Coke!”

Made me laugh anyway! And for the record I did just that 

Part 5: spent up, packed up fcuked off home

So as ever two weeks just flew by a few thing that deserve a mentioning are:

Final scores

Munka 2 – smokies 8 still not a patch on TBC in Crete about 50 bites was it mate?

Turtles 1 – Dolphins 0 – Zante is a famous breading ground for the swimming tortoises whom I note can breath both on land and under the ocean waves unlike the stupid fish.

A special thanks to the locals who during our stay had a religious festival which involved letting off banger type fire works at 7 in the morning Jebus I thought I’d booked two weeks in Beirut A special award has to go to the cockerel who lived on the farm next to the hotel who wasn’t going to be out done by fire works and crowed even louder good effort mate, I’m assuming he is a distant cousin of those birds that terrorised Hammer a while back? If only I’d had Kenny’s air riffle

Dolphins and cockerel apart it was a belting holiday had a brilliant time now its time to start saving and looking forward to the ski trip 2010

yiamas Munka !

So the afternoon start for Munka in the un familar surrounding of PC world several texts and frantic phone calls to Symbol the BOAD formally known as Biff (Beeeeeeef in Bulgaria) later and the in laws where hooked up and Munka was in the much more familiar setting of the alcohol section of the local spar. So I hand over the pack of Stella and attempt to hand over the cash only to be stopped in my tracks by the shop toot asking me for I.D needless to say I had none and Mrs. Munka had to produce her driving license and save the day!

So next things next a quick text to the Waa for directions and I’m heading to Toph’s. On route Big A texts to say he’ll be there after a spot of supper and team Tague are already there including captain Quint and his first mate after a days yachting on lake Windermere (boarder control between Bowd country and the North must have being working over time).

With the fridge full the only way to keep the beer cool was to drink it a.s.a.p. and with Thop’s special punch everyone was soon well on the way.

Eventually Big A arrives with Kate and the ladies are admiring her new engagement ring while the unmarried lads shuffle around uncomfortably.  It is at this point that it comes out that Mr. Matterson originally asked Kate which ring she liked and handed her the ARGOS catalogue anyway Big A stood his ground and purchased the ring from Bank Lyon good on you son king of your own castle mate! Kate asked A if any of the BOAD would be attending the wedding to which he replied, “I’m not sure they can afford the tickets!!!!”

Anyway the rest of the BBQ flew by highlights included GP egging Rubydoo on to climb to the top of an apple tree (I’m guessing windy gave him some grief once they got home!) and an appearance from Toph’s Snake and no that’s not a euphemism.  Jo’s younger sister ‘the Goth’ was particularly frightened of the albino reptile oh the irony.

A few of us headed into town afterward to complete the Northern route in reverse and meet up with Mrs. Munka and her group of workmates celebrating a 30^th.  One thing worthy of note was Me and the Waa stood outside Rev the bouncer said “join the queue and have your three pund ready” Waa knowing his BOAD rule book said I’m not queuing or Paying three quid I’m out of here before proceeding to perform the “victory Dance” and disappearing into the night

Later that day it started to really ache, but i thought nothing of it.  Anyway, it got steadily worse throughout the day, and as the week passed by my head and teeth both started to ache too.

So BOAD night (Thursday) came around and I venture out with a plan of “Drink Untill I Can’t Feel My Head”

Two or three long island iced teas in and the pain starts to subside, happy days!  It wasn’t until later that night that the pain came back with a vengence.  I wasn’t sure if it was my earache or the terrible attempts on the Bentleys Karoke that were nearly making my ears bleed…..but I just had to get out of there and go home.

Friday morning I woke up and felt like death….but theres nothing out of the ordinary there…..I just thought that it was  just the usual BOAD hangover after a BOAD sized night out.

So later at work, after I’d finished off the BOAD hangover recovery pack (sausage and bacon bun + bottle lucozade + 2 paracetemols) the day started to pick up a little and the day flew past….the fact that i felt leathered until at least 2pm seemed to help.

Anyway, a quick contact to the BOAD (and affiliates) and it’s time for FNA (Friday Night Amnesia)

We meet up earlish and hit the cocktail bars.  Needless to say, my head, teeth and ear were all already banging away like a cheap dutch whore even before i had left home, so adding stupidly strong cocktails into the mix meant that i got “merry” very quickly.

A little later on and The Top Whop joins us so suitable drinks and shots are ordered and we continue on the night.

Just a little bit of a rewind here……It had been quite a strange night from the start….

We’d started the night off in the Friary and I’d got the round in of  the traditional “First and only pint of lager you’re allowed on a BOAD night”

After that we’d moved on to the Mint Bar. now obviosuly when we go to Mint, we drink the strongest cocktails that they are willing to sell us……But what happened really was an amazing thing to see….

There were 5 off us in the group at this time and as we walked into the bar….everybody still looked as though they were walking forward but in fact they weren’t actually covering any ground.

So I stand near the bar and wait for the others to slowly drift towards me. Its fantastic….it seems nobody wants to get the round in….

Now it may seem a little unfair here, but I’m sure I have bought more than my fair share of expensive rounds on BOAD nights out…in the mint and every other bar in town.

So I was a little hacked off when eventually the majority of the lads made it down to the bar and then instantly became enthralled with sending text/reading texts and generally looking busy.

After asking whose getting the round in, 2 of the BOAD’s said “Oh i don’t want to get a drink in here, its too expensive”…..even more hacked off now as they don’t seem to find it too expensive when somebody else is handing over the cash…..

So they say “Lets go next door (Last orders – used to be Nags Head) for a drink….oh its my round….what you having.

Now its fair to say I can be a little picky about some of the pubs i go into…..and there was not a chance I was going into that particular shit hole.

So we walk towards the exit of Mint and as the other eagerly 3 disapear into Last orders i turn to Munka and say…..”We’re not really going in there are we?  Fancy a Usual in here (mint)?”

And that sort of set the Tone for the evening…..I think it was only in the Lounge later on that we all met up again.

…..Anyway…rant over with……

It still worked out to be a good night and I think my last memories are of drinking Pear Vodka, waving the Top Whop goodbye from the Vodka bar and then bumping into a *VERY* drunk TBC in the Lounge.

The Saturday moring hangover arrives with the added bonus of my still banging tooth and ear so i decide to write Saturday off and stay in bed.

A quick sleep later and i’m woken up by a text and an offer of a bit of golf practice. Feck me…it’s Sunday morning already!

So rather than stay and rot in my pit I get out of the house for a few hours.  But when i get home from the driving range I’m straight back to bed.

The Glory that is Monday morning rolls around and its time for work…where the feck did my weekend go!?!?

I make it to work and I feel rough…..I mean really rough……I think it was the 30 minutes i spent in the toilets dry wretching that convinced me to phone the doctors.

Now the last thing i need at this point is getting hassle from a jobsworth type!

I get the number for the doctors and dial it…..beeeeep beep beeeeep beep…engaged.

I rediall….still engaged…..

After 45 minutes of red button->green button I finally get through……

“Hello Morecambe Health Center”

-”Hello, I need to make an appointment to see a doctor please”

“What sort of appointment would you like?”

-”Wha…?? Err to see a doctor please”

60 seconds of hearing nothing but sublte little clicks……

“I’m sorry but we don’t have any appointments today, is it an emergency?”

-”Err What’s an emergency? I just need to see a doctor and the sooner the better please”

“Well an emergency is where you need to see a doctor for health reasons”

-”Well flower, I’ve phoned the doctors surgery and I’ve asked to see a doctor……so does that cover it?”

“What is it thats wrong with you?”

-”……….pardon?”

“What is it thats wrong with you?”

-”Are you a doctor?”

“No…..”

-”I’m not being funny, but I don’t feel the need to discuss my health issues with a receptionist, when’s the next available time i can see a real doctor please”

“It’s our protocol to ask and assess wheter or not its an emergency”

-”So how many years were you at medical school?”

“Ohh I’ve not been to medical school”

-”So how can you access if its an emergency or not”

“Oh well i have to listen to what the symptoms are and then decide on how serious it sounds”

-”So basically you have no training and you just flip a coin?”

“What do you mean by that?”

-”Well I’ve got just as much medical training as you have, and I think that i need to see a doctor, and i think its an emergency……can you fit me in this afternoon?

“Sorry but it doesnt work like that, if you are uncomfortable telling me all the reasons you need to see a doctor, just tell me the basics”

At this point my ear is banging, the dry wretches are getting ever closer and my head feels like somebody is stamping on it……But that doesn’t stop me having fun with her….

So i quietly whisper……”I’ve got a Hamster stuck up my arse”

“Sorry I’m not sure if i heard that correctly”

-”It’s been hurting for a few days now”

“sorry can you repea…..”

-”I’ve tried sticking a bunch of Q-Tips in there but I’m not sure if thats what started this whole problem off in the first place!”

“…….what…”

-”It really is starting to hurt now and i can’t move without it hurting”

“…..”

-”Somebody told me that putting Warm oil in it may help?”

“……”

-”I’ve heard that a few rock stars suffer from this same problem?”

“sorry but did you say a Hamster…..?”

-”A Hamster…..what does that mean? I said i’ve got an earache flower……now what time can you fit me in?”

“……..Hmmpf……..can you make it at 2:30″

-”Certainly…..thanks for your help”

Not much to put in the blog about last nights adventure in Lancaster…..Not that there weren’t any events…..I just plain can’t remember much of the night!

Oh, apart from I have inherited “another” stalker!

Not only do I have one that randomly texts unwanted Risqué nude pictures of herself!, I now have a slightly more dangerous one.  This one knows where i live!

When I logged onto facebook today i got an inbox message saying “was it you i picked up in taxi thursday night?”

Needless to say…..it did freak me out a bit.  On further investigation it turned out to be the taxi driver that had taken me and Waa home after the night out.

Another message from them read

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You went to cash machine at the garage and didn’t get any money out but forgot you you hadn’t till i stopped at spar at torrisholme for ya lol you was rather drunk lol

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I really can’t understand how or in fact “why” they took the bother to figure out my name and look me up on facebook.  I know I’m a charming individual….but that really is just a bit sad!

Anyway, back to last night, After a visit to the driving range we all headed out for a few drinks…..

Why is it that when we plan a quietish night with “Only A few drinks” that it always turns into a fecking mental night?

My last real memory was buying a round of Wood’s 57% rum in Bentleys and 2 of the attending BOAD’s chickening out of drinking them……which left me with 3 in total.  It all gets a bit hazy after that……

So when i eventually rolled into work this morning i was straight on the email to the lads to find out what had occurred……

My Email to the group.

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Holy Hell!  What on earth happened last night!?!?!  I have serious memory loss!

——————————————————————————————–

Reply from the Waa

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Hehe !

1) Me and Teebs went to t’Lounge …. left you dancing (I mean really dancing) in Hustle

2) You turned up at Lounge and purchase 3 drinks for Me, TBC and Thee

3) After spilling half contents on the table you lifted said drink to lips, had a gulp and with Woods’s rum face remarked …. “Errrrrrr ….. whats this horrible drink ?”

No idea mate, you bought um ! …….. “Did I” James replied with puzzled and puddled look on face

4) After 6 attempts at your drink you decided to pour it out on the table in disgust.

5) Me you and Teebs …. taxi to 24 hr spar shop heaven ……. I’m there looking at which sarnie to chose when from nowhere, get clobered with a Warburtons Milk Roll that you’d chucked from tother end on the shop ….. you shouting …. “There’s your fcuking milk roll …… ”

6) I marvelled at the shopping machine called JAMES …. I’ll have that, ohhhh look at them, having um …… ahhhh ….. had them as a kid ….. having them ….. Guy in shop loves JAME’s big shop !

7) Home

8 ) Alarm … errrr …. work …..

9) Roll on home time !

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If a quiet Thursday night out turned out like that…..What’s F.N.A & Saturday night gonna be like?

OK! Magazine and TMZ.com report Michael Jackson has died. The LA Times is reporting that he is in a coma.

Come back to Tennessean.com for more confirmation as it happens.

REPORTED EARLIER

Pop star Michael Jackson was rushed to a hospital this afternoon by Los Angeles Fire Department paramedics, according to the Los Angeles Times.

The newspaper is reporting that paramedics responded to a call at Jackson’s home around 12:26 p.m. pacific time, and that he was not breathing when they arrived.

The parademics performed CPR and took him to UCLA Medical Center, Ruda told The Times.