“If You Can’t See The North Korean By The Pool It’s Probably You.”

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Part 1: Despair in an arrivals lounge

Saturday 1st August 2009 approximately 12:25am I found myself in the empty arrivals lounge of Manchester International airport. Why I hear you ask was I not in departures? simple this was the only place in the airport with anything open and that was one over price coffee shop and an even more overly priced spar shop. Three hours later and I was still in the brightly lit soulless hanger. Bugger. The rest of the BOAD I can only believe where well and truly honkered at Big A’s engagement party.
I say believe simply because of the evidence of earlier that night. Jim called me up @ 21:58 to wish me the best for my trip a little worse for ware, then the Waa got on the phone and started singling and declaring his un dying love. Skip forward an hour to 22:47 and a drunken TBC calls up asking if I’m coming to the do? by my reckoning there was 13 minute left of it! All in the ……………………….timing eh!.

Anywho around 3am the check-in opens and we’re finally through and into the bars, restaurants and duty free shops. As ever there is a sports car to be won via a £25 pund raffle ticket this time it happens to be a Ferrari. I’m just having a look when the guy selling the tickets (remember its about 4am) comes over all full of sales patter. “So do you want a ticket?” Munka “what insurance group is it?” guy “err 17 I think?” “Na then me corsa’s only group 3″ “That’s ok we give you £6k towards the first years costs” I was asked to step away once I asked if the guy could hold my pint while I went for a test drive!.

Anyway we finally board the plane around 6am
several days before we left I was watching to news and my heart sank when a report said your home is more likely to be broken into if you live in Manchester. I could only surmise that this was due to Mickey’s popping over the motorway on the rob. Imagine my horror then sat on the plane when it becomes clear that our flight is delayed because a passenger has stolen a mobile and has been arrested and her bags need removing from the plane doh as her mates stand on the tarmac pointing out their bags (remember doing this lads!?) my belief in my fellow Man(cs) is restored as they re boarding the aircraft sounding like the less intelligent younger sisters of Stevie G and Jamie Carragher At least with them heading to Zante my house should be safe!!!!

Once we set off I slowly drift away to the trippy tones of Cypress Hill pumping from my mp3 while poor Mrs Munka has to chat to the mad woman stat next to her! I say chat in 3 ½ hours I don’t think she got a word in edge ways. The old battle axe is telling linz how she doesn’t drink at lunch well apart from a couple of beers and maybe a double bacardi priceless. When we land it’s beer o’clock ;) .

Part 2: A guide to dealing with PR staff and looky looky men

Now we all know how annoying it is especially on your first couple of days when every PR on every bar tries to pull you into their particular drinking establishment, it’s also very annoying while your trying to view the hot babe by the pool in stealth mode when the guy tries to sell you Rolax Watches and Reyband sunglasses. So Mrs. Munka came up with a brilliant plan, as the majority of tourist were either Brits or Italians the PR’s would ask if you spoke English Mrs Munka would reply in perfect English that she only spoke North Korean, now North Korea has a population of 23,479,088 people however none of them are allow out to play so it was a safe bet the bemused looking PR’s wouldn’t be able to parlez. There were only a few exceptions to the Rule the Lovely Lauren @ Venue (is anyone surprised really?) and Andy @ Fire Club a lad who reminded me of the Artic Monkey in his ability to chat for ever while throwing and catching a bottle of water but never actually managed to do what he was really there for i.e. get you in buying drinks!

Now one PR guy made a huge error in judgement while trying to sell Linz and I a boat trip around the island. He basically said we’d be able to see a mating pair of dolphins now I’m not sure who was most embarrassed him or Mrs. Munka when I told him animal porn did nothing for me and stomped off !!!!

Part 3: Drinks I’ve had a few but then again to few to mention

Now I’m not going to mention every watering hole I visited but one or two which deserve a mention are the Garyoke bar simply for it use of BOAD terminology and you got all the classics and Oasis bar which served by far and away the best long Island Ice teas and Mojitos on Zante.
Oh venue (Laurens bar) also served the worst sambuca ever it reminded me of HQ.

Part 4: Friday also available in Sober (Sorry out of stock) FNA

Now FNA goes on where ever you are in the world I’d like to write something about what occurred but of course I remember nothing!
One worthy note though. As some off you will know I like to change my facebook profile pic and status update each Friday out of respect for the forthcoming FNA event. The first Friday I logged in to find the following message from Jim

“If your logging on before 16th get yourself back pool side and order another larrrrrrge JD and Coke!”

Made me laugh anyway! And for the record I did just that ;)

Part 5: spent up, packed up fcuked off home

So as ever two weeks just flew by a few thing that deserve a mentioning are:

Final scores

Munka 2 – smokies 8 still not a patch on TBC in Crete about 50 bites was it mate?

Turtles 1 – Dolphins 0 – Zante is a famous breading ground for the swimming tortoises whom I note can breath both on land and under the ocean waves unlike the stupid fish.

A special thanks to the locals who during our stay had a religious festival which involved letting off banger type fire works at 7 in the morning Jebus I thought I’d booked two weeks in Beirut A special award has to go to the cockerel who lived on the farm next to the hotel who wasn’t going to be out done by fire works and crowed even louder good effort mate, I’m assuming he is a distant cousin of those birds that terrorised Hammer a while back? If only I’d had Kenny’s air riffle

Dolphins and cockerel apart it was a belting holiday had a brilliant time now its time to start saving and looking forward to the ski trip 2010

yiamas Munka !

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