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“Is It Wrong To……..” “BBQ Munka, Lyon, Snakes & Weasel?”

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So last Saturday certainly was a game of two halves…  Some BOAD headed to Bowd country for Hawkanbury while others stayed more local for Toph’s house warming either way the BOAD were well represented at both events!! This on the back of a not overly surprisingly heavy session the night before for FNA.

So the afternoon start for Munka in the un familar surrounding of PC world several texts and frantic phone calls to Symbol the BOAD formally known as Biff (Beeeeeeef in Bulgaria) later and the in laws where hooked up and Munka was in the much more familiar setting of the alcohol section of the local spar. So I hand over the pack of Stella and attempt to hand over the cash only to be stopped in my tracks by the shop toot asking me for I.D needless to say I had none and Mrs. Munka had to produce her driving license and save the day!

So next things next a quick text to the Waa for directions and I’m heading to Toph’s. On route Big A texts to say he’ll be there after a spot of supper and team Tague are already there including captain Quint and his first mate after a days yachting on lake Windermere (boarder control between Bowd country and the North must have being working over time).

With the fridge full the only way to keep the beer cool was to drink it a.s.a.p. and with Thop’s special punch everyone was soon well on the way.

Eventually Big A arrives with Kate and the ladies are admiring her new engagement ring while the unmarried lads shuffle around uncomfortably.  It is at this point that it comes out that Mr. Matterson originally asked Kate which ring she liked and handed her the ARGOS catalogue anyway Big A stood his ground and purchased the ring from Bank Lyon good on you son king of your own castle mate! Kate asked A if any of the BOAD would be attending the wedding to which he replied, “I’m not sure they can afford the tickets!!!!”

Anyway the rest of the BBQ flew by highlights included GP egging Rubydoo on to climb to the top of an apple tree (I’m guessing windy gave him some grief once they got home!) and an appearance from Toph’s Snake and no that’s not a euphemism.  Jo’s younger sister ‘the Goth’ was particularly frightened of the albino reptile oh the irony.

A few of us headed into town afterward to complete the Northern route in reverse and meet up with Mrs. Munka and her group of workmates celebrating a 30th.  One thing worthy of note was Me and the Waa stood outside Rev the bouncer said “join the queue and have your three pund ready” Waa knowing his BOAD rule book said I’m not queuing or Paying three quid I’m out of here before proceeding to perform the “victory Dance” and disappearing into the night

Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster

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So…..at the beginning of last week I woke up and thought I had slept a bit funny on my ear as it was a bit tingly and sore…..

Later that day it started to really ache, but i thought nothing of it.  Anyway, it got steadily worse throughout the day, and as the week passed by my head and teeth both started to ache too.

So BOAD night (Thursday) came around and I venture out with a plan of “Drink Untill I Can’t Feel My Head”

Two or three long island iced teas in and the pain starts to subside, happy days!  It wasn’t until later that night that the pain came back with a vengence.  I wasn’t sure if it was my earache or the terrible attempts on the Bentleys Karoke that were nearly making my ears bleed…..but I just had to get out of there and go home.

Friday morning I woke up and felt like death….but theres nothing out of the ordinary there…..I just thought that it was  just the usual BOAD hangover after a BOAD sized night out.

So later at work, after I’d finished off the BOAD hangover recovery pack (sausage and bacon bun + bottle lucozade + 2 paracetemols) the day started to pick up a little and the day flew past….the fact that i felt leathered until at least 2pm seemed to help.

Anyway, a quick contact to the BOAD (and affiliates) and it’s time for FNA (Friday Night Amnesia)

We meet up earlish and hit the cocktail bars.  Needless to say, my head, teeth and ear were all already banging away like a cheap dutch whore even before i had left home, so adding stupidly strong cocktails into the mix meant that i got “merry” very quickly.

A little later on and The Top Whop joins us so suitable drinks and shots are ordered and we continue on the night.

Just a little bit of a rewind here……It had been quite a strange night from the start….

We’d started the night off in the Friary and I’d got the round in of  the traditional “First and only pint of lager you’re allowed on a BOAD night”

After that we’d moved on to the Mint Bar. now obviosuly when we go to Mint, we drink the strongest cocktails that they are willing to sell us……But what happened really was an amazing thing to see….

There were 5 off us in the group at this time and as we walked into the bar….everybody still looked as though they were walking forward but in fact they weren’t actually covering any ground.

So I stand near the bar and wait for the others to slowly drift towards me. Its fantastic….it seems nobody wants to get the round in….

Now it may seem a little unfair here, but I’m sure I have bought more than my fair share of expensive rounds on BOAD nights out…in the mint and every other bar in town.

So I was a little hacked off when eventually the majority of the lads made it down to the bar and then instantly became enthralled with sending text/reading texts and generally looking busy.

After asking whose getting the round in, 2 of the BOAD’s said “Oh i don’t want to get a drink in here, its too expensive”…..even more hacked off now as they don’t seem to find it too expensive when somebody else is handing over the cash…..

So they say “Lets go next door (Last orders – used to be Nags Head) for a drink….oh its my round….what you having.

Now its fair to say I can be a little picky about some of the pubs i go into…..and there was not a chance I was going into that particular shit hole.

So we walk towards the exit of Mint and as the other eagerly 3 disapear into Last orders i turn to Munka and say…..”We’re not really going in there are we?  Fancy a Usual in here (mint)?”

And that sort of set the Tone for the evening…..I think it was only in the Lounge later on that we all met up again.

…..Anyway…rant over with……

It still worked out to be a good night and I think my last memories are of drinking Pear Vodka, waving the Top Whop goodbye from the Vodka bar and then bumping into a *VERY* drunk TBC in the Lounge.

The Saturday moring hangover arrives with the added bonus of my still banging tooth and ear so i decide to write Saturday off and stay in bed.

A quick sleep later and i’m woken up by a text and an offer of a bit of golf practice. Feck me…it’s Sunday morning already!

So rather than stay and rot in my pit I get out of the house for a few hours.  But when i get home from the driving range I’m straight back to bed.

The Glory that is Monday morning rolls around and its time for work…where the feck did my weekend go!?!?

I make it to work and I feel rough…..I mean really rough……I think it was the 30 minutes i spent in the toilets dry wretching that convinced me to phone the doctors.

Now the last thing i need at this point is getting hassle from a jobsworth type!

I get the number for the doctors and dial it…..beeeeep beep beeeeep beep…engaged.

I rediall….still engaged…..

After 45 minutes of red button->green button I finally get through……

“Hello Morecambe Health Center”

-”Hello, I need to make an appointment to see a doctor please”

“What sort of appointment would you like?”

-”Wha…?? Err to see a doctor please”

60 seconds of hearing nothing but sublte little clicks……

“I’m sorry but we don’t have any appointments today, is it an emergency?”

-”Err What’s an emergency? I just need to see a doctor and the sooner the better please”

“Well an emergency is where you need to see a doctor for health reasons”

-”Well flower, I’ve phoned the doctors surgery and I’ve asked to see a doctor……so does that cover it?”

“What is it thats wrong with you?”

-”……….pardon?”

“What is it thats wrong with you?”

-”Are you a doctor?”

“No…..”

-”I’m not being funny, but I don’t feel the need to discuss my health issues with a receptionist, when’s the next available time i can see a real doctor please”

“It’s our protocol to ask and assess wheter or not its an emergency”

-”So how many years were you at medical school?”

“Ohh I’ve not been to medical school”

-”So how can you access if its an emergency or not”

“Oh well i have to listen to what the symptoms are and then decide on how serious it sounds”

-”So basically you have no training and you just flip a coin?”

“What do you mean by that?”

-”Well I’ve got just as much medical training as you have, and I think that i need to see a doctor, and i think its an emergency……can you fit me in this afternoon?

“Sorry but it doesnt work like that, if you are uncomfortable telling me all the reasons you need to see a doctor, just tell me the basics”

At this point my ear is banging, the dry wretches are getting ever closer and my head feels like somebody is stamping on it……But that doesn’t stop me having fun with her….

So i quietly whisper……”I’ve got a Hamster stuck up my arse”

“Sorry I’m not sure if i heard that correctly”

-”It’s been hurting for a few days now”

“sorry can you repea…..”

-”I’ve tried sticking a bunch of Q-Tips in there but I’m not sure if thats what started this whole problem off in the first place!”

“…….what…”

-”It really is starting to hurt now and i can’t move without it hurting”

“…..”

-”Somebody told me that putting Warm oil in it may help?”

“……”

-”I’ve heard that a few rock stars suffer from this same problem?”

“sorry but did you say a Hamster…..?”

-”A Hamster…..what does that mean? I said i’ve got an earache flower……now what time can you fit me in?”

“……..Hmmpf……..can you make it at 2:30″

-”Certainly…..thanks for your help”

Bread Wars – You Talkin To Me?

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No one parties like the BOAD party. Even on school nights we still manage to out do ourselves and get ridiculously drunk!

Not much to put in the blog about last nights adventure in Lancaster…..Not that there weren’t any events…..I just plain can’t remember much of the night!

Oh, apart from I have inherited “another” stalker!

Not only do I have one that randomly texts unwanted Risqué nude pictures of herself!, I now have a slightly more dangerous one.  This one knows where i live!

When I logged onto facebook today i got an inbox message saying “was it you i picked up in taxi thursday night?”

Needless to say…..it did freak me out a bit.  On further investigation it turned out to be the taxi driver that had taken me and Waa home after the night out.

Another message from them read

——————————————————————————————–

You went to cash machine at the garage and didn’t get any money out but forgot you you hadn’t till i stopped at spar at torrisholme for ya lol you was rather drunk lol

——————————————————————————————–

I really can’t understand how or in fact “why” they took the bother to figure out my name and look me up on facebook.  I know I’m a charming individual….but that really is just a bit sad!

Anyway, back to last night, After a visit to the driving range we all headed out for a few drinks…..

Why is it that when we plan a quietish night with “Only A few drinks” that it always turns into a fecking mental night?

My last real memory was buying a round of Wood’s 57% rum in Bentleys and 2 of the attending BOAD’s chickening out of drinking them……which left me with 3 in total.  It all gets a bit hazy after that……

So when i eventually rolled into work this morning i was straight on the email to the lads to find out what had occurred……

My Email to the group.

——————————————————————————————–

Holy Hell!  What on earth happened last night!?!?!  I have serious memory loss!

——————————————————————————————–

Reply from the Waa

——————————————————————————————–

Hehe !

1) Me and Teebs went to t’Lounge …. left you dancing (I mean really dancing) in Hustle

2) You turned up at Lounge and purchase 3 drinks for Me, TBC and Thee

3) After spilling half contents on the table you lifted said drink to lips, had a gulp and with Woods’s rum face remarked …. “Errrrrrr ….. whats this horrible drink ?”

No idea mate, you bought um ! …….. “Did I” James replied with puzzled and puddled look on face

4) After 6 attempts at your drink you decided to pour it out on the table in disgust.

5) Me you and Teebs …. taxi to 24 hr spar shop heaven ……. I’m there looking at which sarnie to chose when from nowhere, get clobered with a Warburtons Milk Roll that you’d chucked from tother end on the shop ….. you shouting …. “There’s your fcuking milk roll …… ”

6) I marvelled at the shopping machine called JAMES …. I’ll have that, ohhhh look at them, having um …… ahhhh ….. had them as a kid ….. having them ….. Guy in shop loves JAME’s big shop !

7) Home

8 ) Alarm … errrr …. work …..

9) Roll on home time !

——————————————————————————————–

 

If a quiet Thursday night out turned out like that…..What’s F.N.A & Saturday night gonna be like?

Michael Jackson Dies Aged 50 At UCLA Medical Center

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Michael Jackson, the international King of Pop, has died. He was 50.
The musician suffered a cardiac arrest Thursday afternoon and was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital where he died, the Los Angeles Times reports.
Paramedics arrived at Jackson’s Sunset Boulevard home after receiving a 911 call. Despite CPR being administered during the short ambulance ride, he arrived at the UCLA Medical Center in a coma.
Updated at 3:15 p.m. Pacific time: Pop star Michael Jackson was pronounced dead by doctors this afternoon after arriving at a hospital in a deep coma, city and law enforcement sources told The Los Angeles Times.
UPDATED

OK! Magazine and TMZ.com report Michael Jackson has died. The LA Times is reporting that he is in a coma.

Come back to Tennessean.com for more confirmation as it happens.

REPORTED EARLIER

Pop star Michael Jackson was rushed to a hospital this afternoon by Los Angeles Fire Department paramedics, according to the Los Angeles Times.

The newspaper is reporting that paramedics responded to a call at Jackson’s home around 12:26 p.m. pacific time, and that he was not breathing when they arrived.

The parademics performed CPR and took him to UCLA Medical Center, Ruda told The Times.

A Good Walk Spoiled.

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So, a few of the BOAD have decided to take up Golf.
Not a bad thing really, a bit of social interaction and also a little bit of exercise.
Not that the BOAD don’t get enough exercise each week dragging our arses round the fine City of Lancaster several times each week.
But seeing as we are starting to wear a groove in the streets from walking our usual routes around the pubs we decided to branch out and take the golfing world by storm.
Myself and Munka got equipped with a set of clubs each and also roped LJ into coming along a bit more often than he usually does.
So far we’ve been heading to the driving range a couple of times a week to knock feck out of a few hundred balls each time. I’m pleased to say that we’re all picking it up quite quickly.
A couple of the BOAD Golf Pro’s? Hammer and Big A have also joined us for a session too. Don’t worry lads, we’ll soon be upto and past your standards and we’ll all be soon playing for the BOAD Masters Trophy
There’s even rumblings of a foreign golfing holiday in the future but we’ll have to wait and see about that one.
After Thursdays Session, I hadn’t realised that golf could actually make you ache so much. The morning after, Bits of me i forgot i had, had started to seize up. Saying that, its not going to stop us doing it anymore.
As i type this, its Saturday lunchtime (Following a large FNA session last night) and we already have half a plan to get down to the range again today before tonights drinking activites.
Not sure if thats dedication or addiction?

A Night To Remember…..A Night To Forget?

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So, as the last blog said, it was quite a busy weekend for the BOAD, what with multiple birthdays and various other events etc.
To be honest, last weekend only finished on Wednesday night, and as any aquaintance of the BOAD knows, the BOAD weekend starts on a Thursday night, so not much chance of a break before it all starts again!
G.P.B.F.N.A (Granpa’s birthday friday night amnesia) was as to be expected…..
The night got off to an early start and also, we had a surprise guest appearance from young Topher (sporting a purple rather than bright green hair colour this time). As a few of us had been out on the Thursday night for a bit of golf and a few beers, we opted for the easy start to the night. And by that i mean we allowed ourselves to have 1 pint of beer before we started on the spirits. So 1 pint of Red Stripe in the friary later and we were off on the “BOAD Northern route”.
The Northern Route can test the best of the BOAD at most times as the first 2 bars are Mint and Bar Eleven.
And as BOAD Regulation 23:10 states….. When ordering a cocktail, only the strongest mixture they can produce may be consumed.
In the case of Mint, this happens to be a Long Island Ice Tea – this may sound a bit of a pussy drink but at £5.50 each they do like to put that extra kick in, especially when serving the BOAD.
It has even got to the point that when we walk into Mint, they dont even ask us what we would like to drink, they simply say, “So, How many do you want tonight lads?” (I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing?)
We polish the drinks off quite quickly and then move onto Bar Eleven where we all opt for a laaarrrrrggggeee spirit and mixer. A few more bars and a few more large drinks later and we somehow end up in the penny bank. I normally try and make a concious effort to avoid this drinking establishment as it is usually populated with the older cross section of Lancasters drinkers. Although saying that, it was GP’s 42nd birthday, so at least he would have felt like he fitted in a bit more in there. And whilst we are on the subject of the “older drinkers”, it came as a bit of a surprise to bump into Big A in there. Apparently he needed a drink as he had been in deep discussions with his new fiance about when and where to hold their engagement party. It seems that she wasn’t to keen with his idea of renting the upper floor of the Lounge for an evening…..I can’t imagine why…!!!
Anyway, we all drink up and move onto LA1 and then Bentleys…..more large spirirts, more shots, more and more fecked……
I’m not quite sure where we ended up for late drinks that night, but i would guess it would be our usual haunt of the Lounge as they have recently re-started their Friday Indie night.
One thing i do recall is, myself, the Waa and Number 2 visiting the 24 hours spar shop on the way home and each of us doing our weekly “big shop”. Going shopping after having a few drinks is never a good idea. Everything you see looks so tasty….I guess thats why we each ended up with three carrier bags of food each! Milk loaf, dairylea slices, eggs, grated cheeses, crisps…..the list continues, but you get the idea.
I suppose buying some normal food after a night out still beats a doner kebab hands down.
So, Saturday night rolls around with a few events worth remembering and a few events that are not…..
Saturday was the turn of LJ to celebrate his birthday. So Myself, Lj, Matt and Rich from work make it out.
I’m three days into a mini blow out, which at this point is becoming comparable to a North Korean Nuclear test.
We make our way to the friary to meet Matt and Rich and each order a beer. Needless to say it would be easier and less painful at this point to try and lick my own arsehole than drink the pint of beer in front of me.
We slowly sip away at our drinks but finally give in and decide to dump the beer and go onto vodka and lemonade as it would go down alot easier. Rich and Matt turn up so we head off to Mint to get in a round of usuals. After that, we carry on the northern route and head for Bar Eleven.
Its fair to say that Rich and Matt were up for anything, and so, Myself and Matt ordered a “Vespa”. This wonderful cocktail basically contains 3 shots of gin, 1 shot of vodka, a dash of bitters and a piece of lemon rind.
I think it may have unnerved Matt a little when the barman asked him twice “Are you sure you want one of those?”, followed by a “Jesus, I’ve never actually seen anybody finish one of those”
The last time any of the BOAD tried the Vespa’s, the most we could manage was 2 in one night, and even then they fiercely effected our ability to walk in a straight line.
So a couple of bars later, we end up in Bentleys and decide to introduce Matt and Rich to Wood’s rum. This stuff really is the devils own piss. Above average strength too, weighing in at 57%
All of us are feeling the effects of the night by now so we head off to LA1. Matt is rapidly losing the ability to talk by now and ends up ordering 9 drinks for the 5 of us that are out. It doesn’t turn out to be much of a problem as he wipes half of them out flooding the bar with a mixture of vodka and whiskey etc.
They also order a bottle of champagne to help celebrate Laurence’s birthday. So we take our drinks and find a seat outside so we can drink smoke and talk.
The drinks continue to flow and by now the only way that Matt can communicate is to shuffle his head from side to side (in the style of a bollywood actor) and to laugh in a manic high pitched style (hence his nickname of Gizzmo)
We stay there for a while as none of us want to attempt walking anywhere, in fact we stayed there until the place shut and we were politely asked to leave several times as they wanted to lock up and go home.
So, as LJ has a life time barring from Hustle (along with his current 6 month barring from mood and fibber mcgees) we head for the Lounge for a few late drinks.
We queue at the bar downstairs but as the ratio is 1 bar staff to 20 customers we split up to see if the situation is any better upstairs. Total mis-communication and toilet visits means it takes us a while to all get sorted. I’d checked upstairs and the bar was empty, so i headed downstairs via the toilet to inform the rest of them.
Obviously, as i was in the toilet, they’d gone past and headed upstairs, so i spend a few minutes searching around for them and figure they must be upstairs. Visits to the outside smoke room along with more bar and toilet visits meant that it took a good 20 minutes before we were all sat down together again. Everybody is totally rendered by now. According to later reports, I think i was the first to fall at around 2:30am, followed by LJ a little later.
Later reports also indicated that on the way back to Rich’s house, along with losing the ability to talk, Matt also lost the ability to walk…..twice. I think a fitting description would be “It looked like he’d been taken out by a sniper” i.e. walking along fine then he just dropped to the floor.
All in all it was a good night, even if it was a bit on the heavy/mental side.
The next night we all met up was Wednesday night…..another joint venture as it Was Rich’s birthday, and of course, England we’re playing Andorra in the World Cup Qualifier.
So we meet up and head for LA1, but as we are a little early, it isnt actually open yet, so we nip around the corner to Bentleys for a quick drink. The BOAD friendly barman informs us that he can do us some cocktails at a 2 for 1 price. So we order 3 Long Islands…..Rich also gets a wood’s rum, I think he may have a new addictive problem forming here!?!?
No offence to the barman here, but the cocktail was one of the worst i’ve ever tasted. it just tasted like flat coke with a bit of a kick. Anyway, we chinned those then headed back to LA1, which was now open. We order the drinks and populate the leather couchs right in front of the big screen.
The game starts and we settle in to the match with a few more rounds of Vodka and lemonades. The first half goes well and the barstaff are now bringing drinks straight to our table. As half time is approaching, the bar owner comes across and asks if we would like some food (A courtesy offered to regular reliable customers). Tonight’s dish was a fantastic pasta carbonara served with a hot baguette. It was so good I could have eaten it all night.
As Rich had paid for a bottle of bubbly for LJ’s birthday on the saturday, LJ decided to return the favour and ordered a bottle for half time. So as the second half started, we were all tucking into our pasta, sipping on Champage, watching the boys kick seven bells out of Andorra. Fantastic!
As the match finished, Rich also received a birthday shot…..

It really isn’t right when you have to chew a drink!
After the match we decided to have one last drink in Betleys before calling it a night. So we get a round of Vodka and lemonades in, along with a round of Wood’s. There was no chance that i was drinking that stuff. I’m not sure if Rich noticed that his Vodka and Lemonade changed colour to a subtle brown?
So we finish up and head for a taxi. Once again we make a pit stop at the 24 hour spar shop. I buy a sandwich and some milk and LJ buys 3 carrier bags of food……Jebus only knows what he got?
Over the last few days, I think we accomplished the mission of getting all of the birthday boys suitably leathered.
The morning after Rich’s birthday night out, after an enquiry as to how everybody was feeling, I got an email from LJ saying “Rich is broken, He’s been outside for fresh air 4 times this morning”
Sounds like he still has some training to do if he wants to become a true BOAD…..

The Oldest Swingers In Town

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So, its that time of the year again when we celebrate 3 members of the BOAD being born/hatched.

This weekend see’s birthdays for TBC (Clive), GP (Chris) and Number 2 (Lee).   Another year older but still not any wiser…..

So we started the partying last night (Thursday).  Not our usual start to an evenings activities…..a few of us headed out to the driving range after work to knock feck out of a couple of bucket of balls…..well i say knock feck out of them……actually hitting the balls seemed to be somewhat of a challenge!

As we were getting down to our last handful of balls we all noticed a hare/rabbit just sitting in the middle of the driving range, so it became a mini challenge to see who could get the ball nearest to it.

I swear, that thing must have had nerves of steel…..either that or it was blind or just plain daft.  A few balls landed within meters of it and it didn’t flinch…..it just seemed to flick its ears up mimicking a set of V’s!

So anyway, unsurprisingly,  the rabbit got away without any injuries and we headed off to get changed/ drop cars off etc ready for the main part of the night out.

We meet up and have a quick beer in BOAD HQ and then head down to the cocktail bars.  We must be very predictable now because when we walk into the majority of bars in town, we’re no longer asked what we want to drink……just how many of our “usuals” we want.

In the 2nd of the cocktail bars (Bar Eleven) there was an open mic event on. All i can say is that i wish there hadn’t been.  It was terrible and most certainly hastened our exit.

So a few more beers and bars into the night, we end up in Bentleys. With it being Karoke night we graciously offer to enlighten everybodies evening by knocking out a song.

This weeks victim was Cigarettes and Alcohol by Oasis……sorry lads……

Anyway, with the singing done and the promise of more free shots if we *didn’t* get back on the microsphones, we decided to move onto the Hustle for a quick drink and dance.

After that, as it was getting late, we decided to forefill a pledge that we had all made earlier.

We, as a group, had decided that whatever happens, at the end of the night we all had to go and order a large doner kebab. And to make sure that it wasn’t instantly binned when out of sight of each other, part of the deal was we had to sit and eat them together. We order them and sit down and tuck in.

Myself and Munka have a good go at eating them but it soon becomes apparent that having a skinful of beer and then eating a doner kebab in bright truth bearing flouresent light isnt easy to stomach. (I’m sure mine winked at me!) So we give up and admit defeat and sling them in the takeaways bin.  TBC (Clive) on the other hand is still happilly gnawing away at his.

He looked a right state. There was doner meat (and I use the word meat very loosely here!) everywhere, on the counter, on his lap, in his hair……everywhere.  And as his kebab was covered in garlic sauce and mayonnaise, his mouth looked like the results of a “Money shot” from a bad porno. A big clowns smile made out of mayo.

Not wanting to be beaten, TBC decides to take his meal home to finish off in the comfort of his own home.

He emailed me a picture  earlier…….”Hadn’t had a keeeeeebab for ages……..I know why now”

cimg3711

 

I just hope that he binned it after taking this photo……but a part of me knows that he will be tucking into it for his lunch as we speak…..

Say Hello To My Little Friend…..

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Just a little warning before you continue to read this blog post.

This post isn’t full of the usual witty banter that is usually found on this site.

If you

  • are about to eat
  • are currently eating
  • have just eaten
  • have a weak stomach
  • don’t like icky things

 

Then read no further……

 

 

 

So, if you are still reading at this point, then its your own fault if anything you read or see makes you feel queasy.

You were warned!

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, whilst I was having the first of my two daily showers, mid way through lathering up my armpits to get rid of the night time mugginess, I noticed that my left armpit didn’t feel quite right……there was a small bump on it (around the size of a quarter of a pea).  I thought nothing of it so i rinsed, got dried off and dressed and headed off to work as usual.

A couple of days later, once again in the shower, I notice that the lump is a little bigger now, double in size actually.

This time i take a little more notice and I quickly rinse, jump out of the shower and then have a good look at it in the wall mirror. It Doesn’t look that significant? It’s not dis-coloured and doesn’t look angry so i get back in the shower and dismiss it.  On reflection i should probably made more of an effort to keep an eye on it.  But it was early in the morning and i was still half asleep.

So the pattern repeats, a couple more days later on and I’m back in the shower (and by that, i don’t mean i only shower every couple of days!), I come to soap up my armpits, and as i’m doing so, i get a distinct stinging pain as I soap up my left armpit.  Once I’ve finished racking up a couple of quids worth of “swear jar” time, I’m back in front of the mirror to inspect WTF it was that just made me jump like that.

It’s definatley got bigger and now its starting to hurt…..Then a mild panic attack sets in…..Oh feck…..I’ve just found a lump!

So i jump onto my computer and hit google, looking for any information about armpit lumps……

It could be anything……lymphadenopathy, lymph node enlargement, infected sweat glands, a boil, grizzle, infected hair follicle, bacterial infection, viral infection, cancer…..the list was nearly endless.

So I set off to work, probably more confused and concerned than i was before i looked on the internet.

As its now noticabley painful, i spend most of the morning feeling it and prodding it every 5 minutes.

I get home and take another look at it, and i’m sure it has got bigger since the morning, so i take a photo so i can compare it at later dates…..

boad-mobile-0037

So by the middle of last week, its getting to the stage where I cant move my arm or let the lump make contact with anything, so I’m walking around like a gunslinger thats ready to draw…..

I procure some hospital grade painkillers (the less said about the source of those the better…..) and take the daily limit in one go. They kick in quite quickly and seem to be very effective…..so I relax and watch the footy on the TV and think nothing more of it for the evening.

Next morning, I get up, shower as usual, top up on the pills and head to work.  Don’t feel a thing at work all day, thanks to the painkillers.  I get home and have another inspection.

boad-mobile-0039

Not much difference, its a little rounder and a little taller…..(It’s about the size of half a ping pong ball now.)

Next morning, same routine….shower, handfull of pills etc…..apart from by now I have read just about every page on the internet related to lumps in the armpit and every 5 minutes or so i am changing my mind,  I’m either convincing myself that it is definatley cancerous, or I’m sure that it’s just an infection.

But at least its nearly the weekend, and I half make a promise to myself to go to the doctors or hospital on Saturday to get it looked at…..Afterall…..I have probably put it off far too long by now…..

Needless to say, I found various reasons not to go to the doctors at weekend………basically I just bottled it and choose to convince myself that if I just continued to take the painkiller, it would eventually go away on its own.

That seemed to be working well….until this Tuesday night that is.  The painkillers had stopped working as well as they had been so I decided that some action was needed.  Not being the biggest fan of doctors and hospitals, I decided that I, myself, was the best man to sort it out, one way or another.

So, I take another dose of my new daily pill friends and wait a short while for their effect to kick in.

Whilst i was waiting i prepared a few items…..

A kitchen roll to mop up any blood

A sterilised scalpel blade (And when i say sterilised, what i actually mean is I poured dettol over the blade and rinsed it under the hot tap.)

So I test the water and give the lump i quick prod to see if i can feel anything……nothing, so i nip my arm and i can barely feel that either, so I’m good to go…….The doctor is in the house!

I figured that whatever is in that lump is surely better off out of me than festereing inside me.

I grit my teeth and make a decisive incision right along the top of the lump and i nearly gag when i see what happened….

boad-mobile-0041

It was like watching “Alien”….I spend a minute just staring at it before i realise that it is actually my own armpit I’m looking at!  I don’t actually remember taking the above picture, but obviously i did.

So I wipe away what looks like a dolop of custard with some kitchen roll, I’m not sure what the feck it was? It could have been skin/fat cells or puss or lord knows what!, but to my horror, the lump is still nearly as big as it was before i started, that gunk must have been the stuff just under the surface. I give the lump a squeeze to see if there is anything else ready to come out……nothing.

Blood is starting to trickle down my chest by now, and I am completely regretting not letting the proffessionals deal with this.  But in for a penny, in for a pound.  I’m far too off my tits on painkillers to drive to the hospital, and it would be way to embarrassing to call an ambulance whilst in this state.

So i have another little dig around with the blade, and then give it another squeeze.   This time a clearish liquid shoots out of the lump.

Seriously, this thing could be a rival for the Las Vegas style fountains!  The stream of liquid was about as wide as a pencil lead and was constant for what looked like a couple of meters worth.

Once I’m over the shock of watching my own body emit such a thing, I  clean myself up and have another look at it.

My armpit now looks like a castrated dogs nut sack.   Whatever had been in there had obviously stretched the skin.

In the morning i inspected my work…..Looks like the superglue held the skin together alright……maybe i should become a surgeon!!!!

boad-mobile-0042

I still don’t know what it is or was, or if its gone for good or will make an encore?

But…..the Word “Relief” doesn’ even come close to covering how i feel now that its gone…..

~ Note to self……next time, goto the doctors!

Baby, Sometimes “Feck Off” Just Ain’t Enough

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So Saturday night roles around and as it’s “Pete the Meat’s” birthday we all decide to go and have a couple of pints with him to wish him happy birthday etc

We head out around 8:30 and fix the meeting point at the Friary as there’s a few of us out.
Literally 5 minutes into the night and we have our first casualty……

A few of the lads had been paintballing earlier in the day, and the Waa was sporting a superb bruise on his forehead from a mis/well aimed shot.
He feels sick (maybe concussion?) so he orders a pint of orange and water.
Two sips in and he says he is going outside for a breath of fresh air.  Minutes later I get the inevitable text “Sorry mate, feel ill, nearly gipped……I’m off home”

So I fire him a text back saying hope he’s ok and that he feels better soon etc and then we’re off to do a few bars…..and as ever, we end up in BOAD HQ (mood bar Lancaster).

We settle in with a couple of drinks and I nip outside for a quick smoke.
Shortly after, LJ pokes his head around the door and asks “Has Rachel just gone past?”
Before he’s finished the sentence I am asking “Why, is the fecking bad twin in there!?!?”

—————————————————————–
A little explanation may be needed here…..
My Ex girlfriend, Rachel (of over 3 years ago now!!) was a twin.
Her sister is literally clinically and sometimes violently insane…..Rubber walls, happy pills, voices in her head……the works!
It should give you some idea about my Ex when we call *her* “The Bad Twin”.
On my last encounter with her, I literally had my shirt ripped off me in the middle of a nightclub whilst being verbally bombarded.

Oh and not to mention the fact that she ended up in court after assaulting my poor mother…..
—————————————————————–

Anyway, LJ soon cleared up the potential situation up by explaining that he was talking about out friend Rachel the bar maid, and so we have a joke along the lines of “Thank feck it wasn’t the bad twin you were on about” etc…..

It was At this point I actually remember mentally stopping and thinking…..”I should know better than to tempt fate like that!” (She’s like Beetlejuice…..say her name 3 times and she appears!)

So we do a couple more bars and we end up outside Bentleys.
We’re waiting for the troops to gather ready to move onto the next bar.
All of a sudden I have a shiver down my spine, give a quick shudder and feel the goose bumps rise all over my body (my spidey sense kicking in!) and I look up to see “The Bad Twin” stood a few feet in front of me giving me a stare that would have frozen Medusa herself to the spot.

So she starts giving me a bit of verbal, graciously informing me (and the rest of Lancaster) of her opinions as to just how much of a tw*t I am etc.
In one ear and out the other…..The days of trying to listen to her are long gone.

So after she slows down to draw a breath, we hastily make like a tree and get out of there and hit a few more bars.
We end up in the Lounge and we’re stood against the wall near where the door to the stairs is.
I have my back to the front door but as I’m sipping away on my drink I notice a familiar shape in the mirror, just walking in the door.

I focus and see that it is indeed “The Bad Twin” making an entrance. A quick word to LJ and he’s stood in between me and the direction she is coming from giving me some much needed cover.

I literally close my eyes and hold my breath as she floats past us……If I can’t see her, then she can’t see me right?

Seconds after that I chin my drink and inform the lads “Reet I’m getting the feck outta here”….
As the lounge isn’t the biggest of places and it would only be a matter of time until we’d come face to face.

Anyway…..one good thing came out of the whole situation…..

With leaving early, I Was in plenty of time to go get a KFC!  Every cloud and all that…..

~I’d been thinking about tucking into a KFC since the night before when a certain individual must have bought all the chicken in the shop as there was none left when i turned up!! ;-)

Anyway, without being modest……I know I am good, and that she must still be stinging from losing me ;-) ……but 3 years is surely enough time to move on isn’t it?
Saying that, I have been googling the phrase “How do I apply for a Restraining order” for the last hour……

“You Got To Know When To Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em,

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With the bank holiday looming it was time for Mrs. Munka and myself to head out on a mini road trip to visit the ‘old country’ for Daggatt’s birthday. Now in preparation for the Friday drive the lads had a full on session on Thursday night so you can imagine how please I was when on Friday morning Linz said she’d drive! Anyway as you’d expect several hours later I found myself driving down the motorway FNA and a full weekend’s drinking ahead of me.

Dag lives in a village in Glossop called Hadfield but you’ll know it better as “Royston Vasey” yeah this is where the TV show was filmed and as Mrs. Dag (The lovely Jade) puts it most of the locals have webbed feet!. The league of gentlemen effect started early when Dag turns on the QVC Hardware channel and there’s this guy painting fence panels with a sprayer which retails for £29.95 it’s 8pm on a Friday and he’s watching the shopping channel ???? fortunately it’s not a case of him being in Royston to long (welcome to Royston Vasey you’ll never leave) but the guy is actually his next door neighbour !!!! anywho move on an hour and we’re in the local pub for local people it’s split into two halves the vault and the lounge, we sit in the vault as the lounge is full of Garyoke singers! So this girl ask if we want to buy raffle tickets £1 a strip winner takes the pot! We pool our tickets and a few minutes later dag is off to the lounge to collect our winnings £57 pund !!! however, and this set the tone for the weekend it wasn’t quit that simple. he had to do a play your cards right higher lower games needless to say despite a great effort we lost on a dodgy six do’h. Safe in the knowledge though that we would clean up on the nags at haydock park the next day we finished our beers and headed home.

So with several beers already in the tank and with the sun shining I found my self sat in the grand stand at Haydock Park race course. I thought to myself who do I know who has the inside track on the sport of kings? Ah tall Paul, so I text the Waa to get his number and in true boad style I get a reply just before the final race of the day doh. Anywho I manage to pick a string of losers all by myself, still the beers going down well and Mrs. Munka has bought me a burger so life’s good. By mid afternoon the sun is blazing the girls have all dressed up, little black dresses and hooker heels so I’m really living the good life all that’s missing is the high roller bets, roll on race number six.

The only thing special about race six is that it has a small field (six runners) the favourite is odds on with the rest of the pack more or less the same. So I put my usual £5 to win bet on a nag (can’t even remember its name now) and Mrs. Munka asks me to place a £2 pund each way bet on this horse called Andrew Nick. With the bets placed I head back to the group and more importantly my beer.
“Can I see my ticket?” asked Mrs. M so I pass it over and she goes white “Tell me you didn’t bet that much?” it turns out the guys input the bet wrong and put £202 each way instead of £2. As this is a small field each way only pays out on 1st or 2nd if this mule gets home first though? I’d get £1010 second place nets me £404 come on live the dream.

 

ticket

Just before the off I picture text Biff the betting slip. Pete the lad I’m watching the race with points out it’s now second favourite someone must have put a big bet on! :) . And there off three miles roughly two and a half times round the course with jumps the tension is massive! Almost right away there is a faller but it’s ok it not Andrew nick so that’s five horses left they make it round once and amazingly it’s actually winning then the commentator on the loud speaker yells “on the back straight we have a faller” Do’h hang on though it’s not my horse and even better one of the remaining nags has been slowed up by the faller that mean with ¾ of the race gone there are only really three horse left in it and I only need to finish one or two to be in the bucks! Come on !!!! as they rounded the bend onto the home straight I headed to the rail to get a better view the favourite comes striding past then three lengths back and well clear of the third placed animal is Andrew Nick it’s now just got to finish and I’m £404 pund to the good! Race done and dusted all I need to do is collect my ill gotten gains and convince Mrs. Munka that really these are my winnings!!!!

Now as the song says you’ve got to know when to walk ….. I wait for a few other punter to crowd around the bookie waiting to collect so as not to draw attention to myself…. It’s all about being calm and collected it’s at this point Pete points out I’m cueing at the wrong bookies do’h smooth real smooth

So I finally get to the front and hand over my betting slip and the guy says

“Son, I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces,
And knowin’ what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
And if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.”

Well he actually said your not claiming you put on that bet?
Next thing this official looking guy turns up saying he’s the course director and it’s a criminal offence to claim you’ve put on a bet that you haven’t

Now at this point I think back to the movie casino and the guy with this head in the vice but hey this is £400 right? So trying to keep it together I say hey that’s what it says on the slip.

Now what happened next I guess is like when 0 green comes up on roulette or you have a full house only to be beaten by a straight flush, The course director pulls out a second slip with cancelled printed across it and makes it clear if I want to claim I laid that bet we could discuss it in the office. Now my name is not Earl but I do believe in karma. I have to admit I really wanted to give my name as being Kevin Lewis but I didn’t want to have to start a list so had to let it go. On the plus side that race was by far the most exciting horse race I’ve ever watched Mrs. Munka was happy with her £10 and I still have all my fingers!

“Ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’ Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep. ‘Cause ev’ry hand’s a winner and ev’ry hand’s a loser, “

Oh Jim text me back a little later on
“That nag came 2nd! Was that your ticket and how much you win from it?”

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em,Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table. There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done”.