Jebus Feck……I thought this “Going out and drinking” thing was meant to be fun!

Thursday night was fecking nuts for a start (read here for a summary of the one)

Things didn’t slow down after that though.  After a tortureous day at work on Friday, it was time for F.N.A.

And as the saying goes…..if something is worth doing, its worth doing well……So Friday night was another full on, no holds barred BOAD sized drinking session.

I’ve not had chance to check my camera yet, so i’ve no real idea of what the feck happened…..I have flash backs of being in BOAD HQ, Walkabout, LA1, Hustle and Lounge……but those memories only add up to around 15 seconds all together.

One thing i did find in my jeans pocket the evening after, was a stack of debit card reciepts from various bars all over town…..Gotta say it was one of the scariest moments ever…..I’d logged onto my online banking and discovered that at various points in the night i’d withdrawn a total of around £150 in cash……

So i start added up the receipts too, just to get an idea of exactly how mental F.N.A was this time…..

Hustle £23.50, LA1 £36.20, Lounge £63.00 I stopped adding them up when the total got near to £300!

Now in the past we have had a few sessions of the good “good stuff”, 2 or 3 bottles of £70+ champagne here and there etc……But I’m pretty sure we didn’t order any bubble on Friday night.

I know we hit a few bars that we don’t usually visit, e.g. The 2nd bar we went to was Mint, for a few cocktails…..I think the order went…

“5 cocktails please mate”

“Sure, what would you like?”

“Not bothered as long as they’re the strongest ones you sell”

That sort of set the theme for the night early on, so i can only presume that we were on the daft cocktails for the rest of the night.

Needless to say we probably covered the usual route of bars and still managed to end up in the Hustle and then the Lounge.  Now the Lounge usually plays some pretty good music down stairs on Friday night,  stuff like the stone roses etc, and upstairs you’ve got all the good dance tunes happening.

Not sure how, why or even when everybody lasted until in there…..I got a mail from Munka today saying he left there around 3am.

The only thing i am sure of is that i left there at around 6am…..Not sure i was awake the whole time i was in there……I most likely just found a comfy sofa or a dark corner for a quick nap here and there.

Anyway, I walked out of the lounge (well its probably unfair to call it walking, but i did leave under my own steam) and straight into a waiting taxi. (bet he regrets parking there at that time now!)   As soon as the taxi set off, thats when the whole world decided to start spinning around at 100mph.  I tried closing my eyes (made it worse), tried lying down on the seats (made doubley worse), so i was left with the only other option i could think of to take my mind off the the blurry view of the passing streets…..Make conversation with the driver.  Tried my best but i couldn’t make any sense what so ever…..

This seemed to raise the drivers concerns about just how gip proof his back seat covers were……Anyway…..he advised me that i needed to drink lots of water so I instructed him to take me to the nearest 24 hour garage so i could get a good stock of it.

Not sure why, but at the time it must have seemed like a really good idea to buy one of each flavour of what ever Ginsters were lined up in the cooler too.  Oh yeah, and a handfull of various bags of crisps.

It must have been around 6:30+ when i actually made it home…..having told the taxi man to stop a couple of blocks away from where I live as I didn’t fancy paying him the £80 to clean up what i was about to produce on his back seats and over the back of his head.  He seemed more than relieved for me to be out of the cab and on my merry way stumbling down the street.

Finally got the front door open…..It did take quite a few attempts…..tried 3 different keys (actaully that is bollocks, i only have one front door key on my key ring, but at this point i was convinced i had more), I’m pretty sure there are numerous new dents all around the key hole too now.

Tried to asend the stairs but couldnt manage to get past the first 3 of the feckers, so i kick my shoes off and climb the stairs in my hands and knees, dragging the carrier bag of food by my side.

Eventually make it to my bedroom, dump the bag of food by my bedside and crawl straight into bed, didn’t even attempt to get undressed, far too many buttons to attempt.

Realise that daylight is on its way and my blinds aren’t shut, it takes me a good 5 minutes to sort that out.

Close my eyes for what seems like 10 minutes and then wake up to my phone beeping….new message…..tried my best to read it….it took a good 5 minutes of rubbing my eyes, chewing nurofen and sipping water before the words finally came into focus…..then the person that had text me, called me…..It was a friend that wanted to ask me something ( you whopper!    )…..not too sure how much sense i made, if any!

The hangover was in full effect now, it had started without me, so i go have a few coffees and stick my head under a freezing cold shower to try and come round a bit. Finally feel a bit more human, i go and check what they wanted checking, text them back and crawl back into bed.

Close my eyes and drift off back to sleep, get a few more texts from different people, answer them whilst drifting in and out of conciousness and then i hear my msn messenger wobbling away…..

It’s the Waa…..wanting to know if I’m “On for tonight like” – Jebus Waa….Did we not drink enough last night!

But…Being a BOAD does require certain duties to be forfilled, e.g if one of the members calls for a night out, you have to obligue and turn up.

So i have a steaming hot shower and slowly get ready, order the cab and i’m on my way.  Pick the Waa up and get to the pub where we’re meeting a couple of Non BOAD’s, basically a coupla lads that the Waa uswed to work with.

We get the beers in and start very slowly sipping away at them…..At this point i was so not ready for another drink….let alone a full pint of beer!  I catch myself a few times just drifting off starring off into space.

A few comments were made asking “Are you ok mate?”  It only takes one simple statement for them to fully understand……”Yeah I’m ok….it’s just that this is the 3rd heavy night in a row and i’m not quite with it yet”

So we finish up and do a few bars along the way, quickly swapping from lager to large smirnoff’s and lemonade.  About 1 1/2 hours in, i say to the waa….”Look mate, i’m not too sure how long i’m gonna last tonight, i’m having trouble standing upright at the moment, still fecked from last night”……A quick conversation later and he admits that he’s in the same boat! Thank feck i’m not on my own!

Anyway, we do a few more bars and we both get our second wind…..so much so that we actaully make it to the Lounge again….shit!….2 visits in less than 17 hours!

I realise that both me and the waa have reached and breached our limits…..I think it was the fact that the Waa was now drinking pints of water, and that i had had the same vodka and redbull for nearly an hour.

We agree to call it a night and that a bit of supper was in order…..I still had a good stock of ginsters at home but really didnt fancy doing anything with them apart from throwing them in the nearest bin.

So i say to the Waa…..”Feck me……i could just eat fish and chips now…..not had em in years!”

“Theres one round the corner……Let’s do it”

Fish, Chips, Peas and Gravy……Really was the food of the gods…..went down a treat!

Not too sure what the plans are for this week / weekends drinking activities.

This Friday will be P.D.F.N.A – Pay Day Friday Night Amnesia……they’re like F.N.A but about 10 times more radio rental……think we may all be in trouble if this last friday is any measure!

Very poor turnout from the BOAD last night.  Everybody is saving it for F.N.A (Friday Night Amnesia) I guess?

Last night was one of the biggest students nights of the year.  Carnge UK had organised a massive pub crawl around the bars in Lancaster for the students, so we thought we’d go out and see what was what. (Not that we really need any excuse to go out other than “because we can”)

As usual we started in BOAD HQ. Last saturday night we were in HQ drinking the usuals (Treble vodka and lemonade) when it was decided that the particualr brand of vodka they serve in there was actually not very nice. I’m pretty sure they buy it in bulk from the local DIY superstore. It was so bad, that after drinking 3 or 4 rounds, I actually had to go home around 11pm feeling more than a little ropey. Hence a motion to stop drinking that poison was elected and carried.

So last night we moved onto the new new usual, double Smirnoff and lemonade. It was as Sainsbury’s say…you can taste the difference.

A couple of rounds of them and a quick go on the quiz machine and we were off to the next bar. As we knew the pub crawl was starting at the top of town, we headed to LA1 for a quick nosey (and also a quick go on the dyson hand driers…they’re fab!). As we turned the corner we could see the massive queues forming outside the Lounge, 100′s of them were out.  A quick drink in LA1 and we were off again.  As we were walking, LJ spotted his Ex walk past and he saw she was heading towards Bentleys, which was going to be our next bar. So a quick diversion was called for.

We decided to go to the Irish bar in the middle of town.  Not a particular favourite of mine, but as LJ was dodging the Ex it made sense to get out of the way.

Anyway, we made it to the boozer and i looked through the door…..there was literally nobody in there apart from the bar staff, so we took off back to HQ for another quick new new usual and to plan where else we were going to visit.

Next on the list was Walkabout, we finished our fags and got in the rapidly forming Queue, only to be told by the bouncer that it was “Carnage Only” tonight…..!  WHAT….?

Turns out that Carnage had paid a large wedge of cash to all the best bars in town to ensure that only the paying pub crawlers gained entry.  That explained why they were all wearing those shitty printed t-shirts then!

Realising that most of the places wouldn’t let us in, we decided that LJ would have to face his demons, so off to Bentleys it was.

We got to the bar and were ready to place our order.  Its fair to say that we’d had 1 or 2 drinks by now.

So I decided to play one of my favourite games  (not “The Animal Game” this time)

It’s called the “What Game” – The rules are pretty simple.  Engage somebody in conversation and then see how long you can carry the conversation on, only saying the word “What?”

Previously, my personnal best was 4, that may seem quite a low number, but it is a pretty tough game to score highly in……in fact you usually get told to feck off or looked at like your a stamp licker after around  2 or 3!

Anyway…..I smashed my record with a new all time high score of 8!!!.

The conversation with the barman went something like…..

-2 Large Vodkas and Lemonade please
-Did you say you want doubles?
-What?
-Do you want double Vodkas?
-What?
-Doubles….Do you want double Vodkas?
-What?
-Do…You…Want …Double…Vodkas?
-What?
-Ah Forget it, you’re getting Doubles now….do you want some shots too?
-What?
-Shots……Do you want a couple of shots too?
-What?
-(A quick frown, a head shake and a funny look later)…..Sambuca or special ones?
-What?
-Look…..just tell me what you want to drink!
-What?
-Ahh feck ye…..
-2 Large vodkas and lemonade please….

Anyway, we got the drinks and I decided to have a shot of 57%  Wood’s rum.  This stuff really is lethal, it’s the main ingredient in a shot cocktail called a wibbly wobbly.

When we were first introduced to this lethal cocktail, the bar manager that served us told us after you drink it, you have 15 minutes before it hits you….then you’ll be in trouble.

Back then we Doubted his word, chinned them, chinned another and then promptly became leathered exactly 15 minutes later…..It really was uncanny, you could set your watch by it.

Like i said…..Not wanting to mess around i decided to have the rum on its own. knowing the 15 minute rule that applied to the cocktail, i gauged it to be around 3 minutes after chinning the shot that it would really hit you.   Oh how wrong i was…..

I eyed the glass up, took a deep breath, swallowed the drink in one and then it hit me…..almost instantly.

I had the full works…..Bright red face, dribbling mouth, watering eyes, lack of ability to talk, throat and stomach on fire etc etc….you get the picture!

On seeing the state i had become, LJ, being a BOAD did what any other BOAD’s duty would have been…..”How was it mate? you want another one?”

I looked at him and i think he could see what the answer was…..

“Do I feck!  that bastard nearly killed me, if i have another one now i’ll be in the emergency room!”

5 mins later i had recovered enough to have a sambuca shot cocktail and all was well with the world again.

Things get a little hazy after that?  I rememebr we visited the Hustle Bar, this was also on the carnage route, so wasn’t meant to be open to the public, but a quick word with the bouncer and we were in…..

BOAD timing struck again…as we’d ordered our drink, the rest of the occupants had decided it was time for the next bar, so it quickly became pretty vacant (much like our faces)  No idea what we did or where we went after that?  Must have got food at some point as all I have been able to taste all day is fecking Garlic!

I woke up this morning and was still feeling the effects of the previous nights rum fuelled adventures, so i decided to pop to Mikky D’s on the way in to grab a Laaaaarrrgggggeeee coffee and a dead pig sandwich.

Really was hard work…..

I knew what i was ordering but i was having real trouble making my mouth work.

Got to the drive through window and all I could manage was “koo I ha muufin pleeeeeese”

Second try…..”Sausage brekky poo please flower….”

Getting closer…..Nearly there…..

Third time “Sausage butt butt with larrrrrrrrge coffee please.

BINGO! Ate it like i was a starving dog! must have been about 4 bites and it was gone!

Talking with the boys on t’email today and it looks like we on for an early start for F.N.A tonight…..

The Waa wants the start at 6:45……I suppose it would be rude to let him down!

No doubt there will be a report on here about what occurs and some pictures on the gallery pages (when I eventually pull my finger out and upload the backlog)

There is also mention of a night out on saturday too….Looks like I’m gonna be going for the hat trick again then!

F.N.A……say it, do it, mean it!

ps – be sure to check out the new (stolen) thoughts section on the main website

Thursday neets owt (aka BOAD neet owt)……What can i say about them……?

Recently there have been some really good ones and some really bad ones (…..sorry)

With regards to Last nights instalment i really have no idea what to say.

And thats not because i don’t have an opinion (for a change), its simply because i cant rememeber what the feck happened!

As far as my limited memory is concerned……I went to the mood bar, drank vodka, (I recall having a conversation with the bar man about just how much vodka we each drink in there …..I think we worked it out to be around a bottle (750ml) of vodka each, every time we go in there), then we went to walkabout and drank a couple of pints of green shit (…..thanks once again Big A for introducing that nonsense to the group!!!), then we went to bentleys, drank more vodka (and possibly some more 53% wood’s rum) and howled like a banshee on the karaoke machine. I’m pretty sure there must have been some other bars before / after the ones i have mentioned…..but I’m fecked if i know where!

I know i went out around 7pm but i have no idea what time i got home. probably some ridiculous time in the bastard morning. Got to work half an hour late and i can’t even remember the drive in! My head really is feeling like a bag of smashed twats. (I thought this drinking malarky was meant to be fun!)

One thing i do know is that when i woke up this morning i was covered in crumbs from thick crusty bread, garlic and olive humos and most of the contents of a can of fizzy vimto.  What the feck is that all about! (That has the makings of what could have been an interesting night if i wasn’t on my own!)

It’s currently around 10am and i am still having trouble doing the basic things…..like breathing and making my eyes focus etc.

Oh well…..only 8 hours 59 minutes and 23 seconds to go until we start again……trouble is, tonight if F.N.A and we all know what that means!…..see you all in the emergency room!

Alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Government’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in acting like aw@nker.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Ninja powers.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you and not at you.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Friday 24^th Oct 2008 8am

Dododo didilly dododo Keep your eyes on the road your hands upon the wheel …. Dododo

Jebus what are those red thing coming towards me? Oh sh1t there break lights …………

Thursday 23^rd Oct 2008 11pm

Dododo didilly dododo Keep your eyes on the road your hands upon the wheel …. Dododo

The now ritual murdering of one of Mr. Mojo Risin’s classics was in full flow so were the drinks, a nice easy start triple wodka followed by Hulks followed by Cheeky-vimto had help lubricate the vocal cords

Now while the BOAD need no excuse for a drinking session it was biff’s birthday so a Yorkie event was called and those that could did.  Now BOAD timing (BST) is legendary but even by our standard I’d say we’ve excelled by bring FNA forward by a whole 24hrs it was only the branding on my left hand that reminded me we’d ventured into the toot. The highlight of that trip was Biff bluetoothing a photo “The toilet” (see earlier blog) to the entire bar and the two greedies sat near us going for their nokia’s in unison then looking dazed and confused! a look which would be on Big A and Biff faces several hours later after “those shots” but more on that later.

After a visit to HQ and the toot we ventured to LA1 where in line with the silliness that had started with ordering Usuals as the opening gambit a round of Desperado’s was ordered and shot gunned quicker than you can say “time to get outta dodge pilgrim!”

The eclectic mix of alcohol was working it’s magic by the time we arrived at Bentleys while Big A was ordering the drinks Waa n Biff we’re selecting the tunes.  Now I can’t remember the entire sound track to the evening but I feel we should apologise to the artic monkeys for our re-working of teddy picker (sorry lads) anywho after impressing the amassed toots with our vocal talents (err should that not me massive toots?) it was time for

re-fuelling and this is where the special shots came into play, now the Waa found some grade A common sense and declined Munka smelt the glass and almost passed out but also managed to decline, remember “I only buy them, I don’t make you drink them” so this left Biff & Big A with two each one after another they drank then sat in silence for what seemed like forever and than from nowhere they were both on their feet hot footing it to the dance floor with moves to bust!

From Bentleys we went to hustle loosing Waa on the way to what sounded like the taxi ride from Hell, every bump in the road leaving our hero ever closer to having to stump up the £75 you lose charge!  Fortunately Waa is a professional BOAD and survived to get home to be thankful.

Email Friday 24^th Oct 2008 10:23am

Tomorrow is Thanks Giving Day but last night I was thankful.

Thankful of my choices.

Thankful that I chose not to drink the shot that Biff purchased last

night (choice A)

Thankful that I went home when the body told me “NO MORE” (Choice B)

Thankful that regardless of Thankful choices A and B, I was on the

“brink” of losing the entire nights consumption in a “one’r” but

thankfully held it in.

I thanked myself and my wallet thanked me that regardless of

thankfulness above, I did not infact vomit in the taxi on the way

home and hence was thankful further having noticed the reminder in the

taxi window of a £75 soiling charge.

I thanked my composure that although I was one millmetre away from the

dreaded “hoyyyyy”, I managed to “breath” through it all the way home

in “taxi’s from hell r us”.

However, I am not thankful of this “horrible” sensation I am currently

experiencing.

I hear that call it a “hang over”.

I’ll be thankful for home time I tell thee.

Thursday 23^rd Oct 2008 Midnight(ish)

So onto the lounge and R&B night I have little to report due to the A section of TNA kicking in I do recall bumping and grinding to some slick RnB the fact that we cleared the dance floor would suggest either we intimidated the locals or more likely we looked like dads dancing at a wedding.

I left soon after this safe in the knowledge that I’d get a lie in Saturday morning, problem was this was TNA not FNA do’h and did the 7am alarm clock enjoy telling me !!!!  Not 100% sure what Biff n A did after I left but it ended in more trophy food and the phrase “Kill me now” so I’m guessing biff is suffering along with the rest of us! Oh well just 364 day to go.

Friday 24^th 14:26

Status update – I think Waa has put TBC on permanent temporary position.

Well my 1st week of jury service is over with, I was hoping to be blogging about some hard hitting court rooms drama’s etc……

But just how much can i blog about being sat in the same room, with the same 16 people for 7 hours a day?

Every Single case that has been lined up for us has ended in the defendants pleading guilty at the last second.  Selfish bast*rds….

I think the most interesting point came on Tuesday…..

When i arrived at the waiting room, there were double the amount of people in there…..seems that the coroners jury was in session.

Not that interesting really, but as its a small room, with a limited amount of seating, everybody had to play a game similar to musical chairs…..Nobody dare shift from their seat unless they desperately needed the loo of a fag etc

Firstly, we got to sit through Lethal Weapon 2…..Twice..

I made it a couple of hours, guarding my chair…..

Time came for a toilet break and a much needed fag, so i go to deal with the most desperate first….A Fag.

3 chain smoked fags later and i goto the toilet…..I wouldn’t normally mention these type of visits, but on this trip something odd occured…..

Now remember that this court is housed in the Castle, so i wasn;t expecting luxury amenities etc….

But when i opened the cubicle door  i was quite surprised to see a very basic toilet……complete with what looked like an original seat…..i.e a plank of wood with a small circle sawed into it.

Now sometimes my sense of humour is quite odd, so i decided to take a snap of said toilet to send to somebody with a message of “Historic shitters of Shitsville”…..Not really funny but at this point you have no idea how bored i was…..

Anyway, the cubicle was too small to take the snap from inside…..So picture the scene…..

I am stood outside the cubicle, holding the door open, camera in hand……

Just before the shutter snaps, the door opens and in walks a barrister…..fully wigged up etc……And then the shutter decided to make its noise of “Cer-Click”……

I looked at him….he looked at me……he looked towards the cublicle (from his angle he wouldnt have been able to see if there was anbody in there)……then he looked back at me and quickly backed up and left……without using the facilities…..

Its fair to say that it was quite an embarrassing situation……

All i can say is I’m just so glad that he didnt wink at me…..

Hopefully this week I’ll have something more important and interesting to Blog about……but i doubt it……

So…..it seems that being a tax paying member of the country does have yet another downside….Looks like i’ve won the lottery…..and not the good one!

Late last year, one Friday evening, after returning home from work, I see that i have received a letter in a brown envelope…..Nothing out of the ordinary there, i do get the odd piece of mail, usually just the same old Bills, Pre-approved credit cards and cut price garden furniture adverts that the rest of us get…..but on closer examination i see that there is a “Crown Court” seal on the back of the envelope.

It’s fair to say that at this point, i had what can only be described as a mild panic attack.  But with it being Friday, I was in a rush to get a shower, get dressed and meet the rest of the BOAD for the usual F.N.A session, so i decided to leave the envelope unopened until I had more time to prepare myself for whatever fate the GPO had stuffed through my door. ( I say left unopened but in honesty it looked like the envelope had been pried open and re-sealed by some nosey mail sorters. I think it was the large strip of brown masking tape along the flap that gave it away).

Anyway, I made it out for F.N.A and as the saying goes…F.N.A – if you remember it, you just weren’t there.  So time ticks by along with my memory, a couple of weeks go by and then i re-find the brown envelope, at the bottom of my “To-Do” pile……Shit!

Again, the panic kicks in, not only for fear of what the contents are, but now because i have left it 2 weeks without reading it and it could have been really important (And by important i mean i now have even less time left to book my ticket for the costa del sol in case i need to “Go On Holiday” until things quiet down)

I’m sure that everybody has seen the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory…..Picture the part of the film where Charlie has just found out that there’s still one golden ticket left and is slowly opening his chocolate bar…..

Same sort of thing…..

I peel back one corner of my envelope and peek inside…..I can see pink paper. Not being sure if thats a good sign or not, i go for a brew and a fag and start trying to remember where i have left the big suitcase.

Round 2…..This time i peel the flap back completely…..the envelope is now open……another curious look inside and i can see the Crown Court seal and the word “Summons”…..Quickly off for another fag, now trying to recall in which safe place i left my passport and hoping that its still in date.

Round 3……This time I’m prepared……Got my passport in my back pocket, found my suitcase and have poured a larrrgeee vodka.  The vodka gets chinned, but it is pretty strong, so once i’ve stopped pulling my “coming face” i delve into the envelope and pull out the contents…..

I quickly scan the letter for any instant clues as to whether i should phone the taxi for the airport….all i see in my quick flurry is SUMMONS, the Crown Court seal, then my name and address and the the words “juror number”……Wait…..what was that last part…..juror…….number……?

My heart beat calms down a little and i wipe the sweat off my brow as i decide the best thing to do is actually read the fecking letter from top to bottom…..so thats what i do…..

You have been summonsed for jury service. Your name was randomly selected from the Electoral register. Jury service is an important public duty…..etc etc…..

With a breath of releif that could have started its own Tsunami, i lean back, pour another vodka, chin it and after another “coming face” incident (twice in one night…..things must be picking up!)  i relax a little.

My initial thought is that i cant wait to do it….always wanted too……(maybe i’ve just watched too many movies though!)

Then i see the dates, Monday 4th February 2008……Having read the letter cover to cover twice i realise that I am going away to Poland with the Lads on the 22nd of Feb, and the letter says jury service will take 2 weeks, possibly more.

So i fill in my reply sayiing i will be away just after the date that i am due to start my service and I’m also away the month after, skiing in Italy…..I also make up a few other trips for good measure in the hope that they will see that i am busy and/or just really can’t be arsed doing it.

Form filled in, flap licked (Ooeer!) and letter posted…..Job done!

…….If only things really were that easy…….

A month later i receive another letter, also with the Crown Court seal on……but this time i’m prepared, no suitcae and passport hunting this time…..I was expecting confirmation that i wouldn’t have to go and do the jury service…..no such luck…..The only month that i hadnt said i had a trip in, real or made up, was october……so needless to say, my new date for jury service was now 13th October.

So here i am……Preparing for my 1st day on the bench……

The story will continue

The following events may or may not be true but names have been changed simply so if a movie is made I don’t have to pay royalties.

On a wet Saturday afternoon 7 intrepid boad plus one ventured owt and headed for the spiritual home of the greedies, our hero’s, in no particular order Waa, Pye, GP, #2, Munka, Uni, Capt Quint & Leathal met @ the George in Torrisholme where the first couple of rounds got consumed and supplies for the long road ahead got purchased. Once warmed up everyone climb onboard the Bus abily piloted by Rob Roy. The trips roughly about 45-50 mins so of course we had to stop on route for more beer! so by the time we arrived it was around tea time and the weather had got even worse! We paid Rob roy enough cash to buy the bus outright, hey at least Dick Turpin had the good grace to wear a mask! after a drink in the nearest pub to the drop of point we braved the rain for as long as we could before ducking into a boozer just short of the prom.  Now myself Waa and GP were on point head down straight to the bar Pye however took a moment to survey his suroundings and with the aid of a two metre high neon signed and a gay Syl Stallone lookalike realised that the magnificent 7 plus 1 had found a bar electric six would enjoy! Waa still busy concentrating on getting a round in totally miss the “big boy” free lube on the bar and ordered himself a refreshing bottle of becardy breezer, by the time our surrounding became clear most of the group had drinks and being boad we were duty bound to comsume said product before leaving. Pye stayed outside but as it was raining sheltered in a phonebox he was in there so long I exspected him to come out in full superman costume !!!!.  Anywho onto the next bar and by this time everyone is starting to get a bit hit n missed so we decided to go to the local Italian for a few bottles of vino, Now @ this point we lost our plus 1 but recieved news of re-enforcements in the form of MC and Yanner who we met later in Branigans, Now MC had been on a date in the afternoon so by the time we found him he was ”to legit to quit” and we decided to head to a bar where you “can’t touch this” actually in true boad sytle we left branigans via the back door and the group got split some headed to a laptop dancing joint others to a rock bar! now to protect the innocent I won’t say who went where but as I was sat in the laptop dancing joint I said to (spoiler alert)  come on the lads can grass thenselves up!.  So by the time we re-grouped it was heading towards midnight which was cue for uni and MC to have a wee nap! with several more beers in th etank the group once again split we the high rollers heading to Uncle Stanleys and the Palyers hitting another club.  The boad hit Stanleys hard leaving the poker emporium  needing to ask Lehman Bros for a loan.

Just a quiet night…..That’s all it was meant to be….. Best laid plans of mice and men etc…..
Last night was penciled in for another BOAD – WHOP meet up.

Gotta say that they are becoming more and more of a regular occurrence now.

Not a bad thing at all, we always have a top night together.

It’s almost like the BOAD’s and Whops were split at birth…..same humour, pretty similar drinking abilities and the same “feck it” attitude….. All the ingredients for a top laugh…..

Unfortunately the majority of the BOAD dipped last night due to pre arranged engagements…..i.e. most of them weren’t allowed out on a school night…..  So it was left to my good self and Big A to fly the BOAD flag…..

We met up with the Whops (Uber Whop, Miss Whop and of course, the zany Mini Whop) at their local Drinking den for the start up drinks. Once we were all there we chinned our drinks and the Question “Where we going next” was raised, to which Miss Whop answered “Next Bar”  This in turn was questioned “Yeah, but where’s that”….same answer again from Miss Whop….”Next Bar”…….

This may not seem that significant but if you know any of the BOAD’s, that is a routine answer for the above question…..seems we’re picking up each other’s banter more than I thought 

Anyway…..we moved on, heading for BOAD HQ, along the way Uber Whop tried to buy some batteries…..
I did question if the batteries were for the “Big Sucker” (seehttp://blog.whopever.com/2008/09/25/99/ for the explanation) but no, apparently that particular beast didn’t require batteries, just a clean flat surface and enough space for a good run up!

The “Big Sucker” was also nearly to blame for a nasty accident involving me, a roundabout and a HGV, but that’s a different story, it’s all Uber’s fault for blogging about it and putting those images in my head 

We arrived at HQ and as usual, it was empty…..not such a bad thing as service at the bar is much easier.  We settled in and had a couple of rounds of the usuals (treble vodka’s with a squirt of lemonade) with the obligatory sambuca chaser.

With the theme of the night settling in (i.e. fuck a quiet night…..let’s get leathered) we moved on to the toot (walkabout) where Big A decided to treat the girls to the pleasure of a squashed frog. Basically it’s a pint glass with ice and 3 flavours of VK alcopop mixed in…..so green pints in hand we made our way to the (empty) dance floor where Big a and the girls promptly teach the rest of the pub how to dance.
After a little while busting moves it was decided that it was time to also teach the general public how to sing…..so off to Bentleys it was, for a good old Karaoke session….. We ordered a set of drinks and asked our friendly bar manager (Dan The Man) for a batch of his “special” shots…..not necessarily “special needs” but after a couple of these bad boys that’s what you feel like…..

Not being Drink shy, when Dan the Man asked if we minded if he tried some new shots out on us we were only too happy to oblige…..  One of the shots is called a wibbly wobbly…..all I can say about it is that’s exactly how it makes you feel 5 minutes after downing it.

Anyway…..The BOAD and Whops belted out one or two hits, can’t really recall what they were but Dolly Parton was no doubt in the mix somewhere.  Mini Whop spotted her nemesis from the previous outing so she ended up sitting under the table for half an hour on and off. The night crept on and it was soon time to call it a night and go home…..

Mini was crashing at Uber’s house so on the way they called in to the pizza place for a bit of supper…..Mini decided to go ahead and unlock the house so that Uber could just walk in with the food. Uber had taken off her shoes while she was waiting for the food to be cooked, and mini, being mini, had decided to do Uber a favour and take her shoes with her back to the house…..

Turned out to be not the best idea as this would mean that Uber would have to walk through the streets of Lancaster bare foot…..sometimes it’s bad enough wearing Steel toe capped boots around there…..never mind actually letting your skin make contact with the pavement.

Anyway, the first bright idea we had was for me to give her a piggy back home…..not a bad idea, she jumped on my back and the pizza man opened up the door so we could charge out, raging bull style…..One problem though…..I was holding onto her legs so she didn’t fall off and she was clinging to my neck , for the same reason…..  Have you spotted the fatal flaw….no hands left to carry the 3 pizza boxes…..so that idea was soon scrapped….

Next idea….Being BOAD we have certain gentlemanly standards….so…..I know, I’ll take my shoes off and you can wear them instead. Not a bad idea in principle, but when we tried it..it just didn’t work….. Bear in mind that I am 6 foot 3 with size 11/12 feet and Uber is a 5 foot 4 and a bit, petit good looking young lady. So her trying to walk in my shoes turned out to be even more hazardous than actually going bare foot.

Anyway…..she made it home safely in one piece and with both feet intact..and I finally managed to get a taxi after trying to hail everything from a bicycle to a HGV

WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….
What *the fuck* is that noise?.?.?
WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….
Oh shit…that sounds like my alarm clock…..?
WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….
It can’t be my alarm clock….today’s Saturday isn’t it and I always turn my alarm clock off.?.?
WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….

So I manage to crowbar one eye open, sit up and actually look at my clock….
At first I felt like a dyslexic that had opened too many tins of alphabeti-spaghetti
It was just lines and numbers all dancing around…..
Then the display slowly came into focus….9……..4……..3…..apparently…..what does that mean….?
Never mind…..it’s weekend now so I can have a nice lie in……1 quick mouth full of water and then back to sleep…..
So I lie down and close my eyes…..
WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….
Then I realise that my alarm is still going off…..sounding like the titanic reversing…..
I swear at this point it was like being in a cartoon…..I can see the little birds tweeting and circling round my head…..(why are they laughing and pointing at me?)
WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WARRGGH….
I reach down to my bedside to get another drink from my bottle of water, but my hands finds something else…..Last night’s trophy food…..
Jebus…just how pissed was I…..there’s a full pizza……a double cheese burger (with pineapple)…..and a kebab (I think.?.?)…..all untouched!
All I can say is that the local tramps are gonna eat like kings this morning…..especially those polish types that seems to have taken over our locality!!
So I build up the strength to sit up again and try and turn off my alarm…..
WARRGGH….WARRGGH….WAR……ahh silence…..
With pure comedy timing….. I lie back down and literally as soon as my head has touched the pillows…..
BerrrrrrINGGGGG!!!  oh shit…..(in the style of Rod Hull and Emu and don’t ask why) I literally start singing out loud “There’s somebody at the door…..There’s somebody at the door”
Then, I realise what I’m doing, talking/singing to myself and I start giggling…..once that has passed I close my eyes again….
BerrrrrrINGGGGG!!! BerrrrrrINGGGGG!!! Berrrr-*FUCKING*-rrINGGGGG!!!
oh yeah…..there’s somebody at the door isn’t there…..so I jump out of bed and I actually miss the floor…..
I find it eventually after Ie untangled myself from my duvet…..I quickly throw on my jeans (backwards) and my shirt from last night (that now smells like a small Turkish family has been living in it for a week…) and I head for the stairs…..
I make it to the Front door head first….literally…..On my way down the stairs I’d got a bit of speed up…..(it was like when you’re a kid running down a hill…..you get some speed up and you can’t slow down or stop)
Anyway….. I make the Courier jump, only because I hit the front door with my head…..Shit….Now I’m awake!!!
It turns out to be a package that was meant to be delivered late last week, but I haven’t got the energy to start giving him shit about it.
So I dump the package on the floor next to the door and start heading back up stairs to bed…..then the cogs start turning…..shit last night was a bit heavy wasn’t it!…..even for a Friday night…..!
Half way up the stairs I stop walking and it hits me…..SHIT…..Last night wasn’t Friday was it…..it was fecking Wednesday night…..OH Shit!
Then I get a Vietnam Film style flash back…..first there’s a glass of treble vodka…..then a shot of black sambuca…..then a cosmopolitan…..and then finally there’s the display of my clock…..9:43…..now those numbers make sense…..
“OH FUCK!!!!!”…..again…..literally out loud……
Quickest shower in the world ever…..I barely got wet…..In the midst of putting my shirt on I manage to stand in the double cheese burger (with pineapple), fortunately I hadn’t managed to put my socks on yet so I hop back to the bathroom to stick my foot under the sink (quite a feat in itself…..)
After that I finished getting dressed and must have gone up and down stairs 10 times…..
1st time
Back up stairs to get my car keys
2nd time
Back up stairs to get my front door keys
3rd time
Back up stairs to get my fags and lighter
You get the picture….
I must still have been pissed…..it was the 10th trip back upstairs for my shoes that made me realise that!
So I try my best at driving…..but I can’t seem to get past 2nd gear…..oh well …..it doesn’t matter, at least I’m on my way…..
I pass MacDonald’s and I realise that I’m hungry…..don’t know why I didn’t eat last night’s food…..although saying that its probably for the best that I laid that stuff to rest in the bin!
“Double Sausage and egg breakfast please”…..the young girl at the drive in counter looks at me like I’m daft…..Picture yourself being in France/Italy/Spain and not speaking the lingo….Slowly and loudly this time…..”Double Sausage and egg breakfast please”…..
Then I realise that my window is still up…..what a twat!!!…..I lean over to push the button to wind the window down and manage to head butt the window (that’s twice now…..ok god….. I get it…..I’m awake now so leave me alone!!)
“Double Sausage and egg breakfast please”, third time lucky!
But oh no….it’s not that easy is it…..I’m sure the girl could tell how pissed I am and she insists on firing questions at me…..
“Is that a large meal?”
“I don’t know flower…is it…..you tell me!”
“Do you want an extra hash brown with that for 30p…..”
“I don’t want the first one that comes with it…..If I pay extra can you buzz it for me?”
“What do you want to drink with that?”
“Coffee”
“How do you take your coffee?”
“Intravenously!”
“Sorry we’ve run out of needles today, will a cup do?”  – fuck me!!! a food service engineer (or whatever they like to call themselves nowadays) with a sense of humour
Anyway I finally get my food and pull up and polish it off…..starting to feel vaguely human again now
I continue to work and I make it as far as the traffic lights outside the business park where I work….
They’re on red obviously…..I wait for what seems like an hour and they still haven’t changed!
Then I hear BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP…..So I wonder…”what the fuck is that idiot beeping at?”
Slowly I realise that I haven’t got my eyes open……shit…..I’ve fallen asleep at the traffic lights……!
My eyes flash open and I jump, nearly out of my skin and yes….banged my head on the roof……(I give up now!)
Made it into work for 11:10……And I’m already counting the minutes till I clock off……
It only seems fair that if I’ve started work late that I finish work early!!!

I think my personal highlight of last night’s episode happened in BOAD HQ…..
We’d got there, had a drink and were having a quick smoke outside…..
The Waa turns to me and says
“So…..What’s this Uber Whop girl like then?”
“Ahh she’s a real belter…..” i say…..”A top class personality and fooking fit aswell!”
The waa gives me a knowing look…..the kind of look that shouts “Yeah….right!….What/Whop Ever!”
Any way…..a few drinks in and Uber Whop makes her entrance
I see the Waa look over at her and then back at me…..
Now its my turn to give him “The Look”
Without words I nod at him and mentally say “Oh yeah….that’s her!”
The Waa does another double take and i see him silently mouth the words at me “FUCKING HELL!”…..finally he manages to pick his jaw up from the floor!
I must admit that i had to look twice to make sure i wasn’t seeing things!
I remember from our first meeting on suday that she is a looker but….jebus!!