Just a little warning before you continue to read this blog post.

This post isn’t full of the usual witty banter that is usually found on this site.

If you

• are about to eat
• are currently eating
• have just eaten
• have a weak stomach
• don’t like icky things

 

Then read no further……

 

 

 

So, if you are still reading at this point, then its your own fault if anything you read or see makes you feel queasy.

You were warned!

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, whilst I was having the first of my two daily showers, mid way through lathering up my armpits to get rid of the night time mugginess, I noticed that my left armpit didn’t feel quite right……there was a small bump on it (around the size of a quarter of a pea).  I thought nothing of it so i rinsed, got dried off and dressed and headed off to work as usual.

A couple of days later, once again in the shower, I notice that the lump is a little bigger now, double in size actually.

This time i take a little more notice and I quickly rinse, jump out of the shower and then have a good look at it in the wall mirror. It Doesn’t look that significant? It’s not dis-coloured and doesn’t look angry so i get back in the shower and dismiss it.  On reflection i should probably made more of an effort to keep an eye on it.  But it was early in the morning and i was still half asleep.

So the pattern repeats, a couple more days later on and I’m back in the shower (and by that, i don’t mean i only shower every couple of days!), I come to soap up my armpits, and as i’m doing so, i get a distinct stinging pain as I soap up my left armpit.  Once I’ve finished racking up a couple of quids worth of “swear jar” time, I’m back in front of the mirror to inspect WTF it was that just made me jump like that.

It’s definatley got bigger and now its starting to hurt…..Then a mild panic attack sets in…..Oh feck…..I’ve just found a lump!

So i jump onto my computer and hit google, looking for any information about armpit lumps……

It could be anything……lymphadenopathy, lymph node enlargement, infected sweat glands, a boil, grizzle, infected hair follicle, bacterial infection, viral infection, cancer…..the list was nearly endless.

So I set off to work, probably more confused and concerned than i was before i looked on the internet.

As its now noticabley painful, i spend most of the morning feeling it and prodding it every 5 minutes.

I get home and take another look at it, and i’m sure it has got bigger since the morning, so i take a photo so i can compare it at later dates…..

So by the middle of last week, its getting to the stage where I cant move my arm or let the lump make contact with anything, so I’m walking around like a gunslinger thats ready to draw…..

I procure some hospital grade painkillers (the less said about the source of those the better…..) and take the daily limit in one go. They kick in quite quickly and seem to be very effective…..so I relax and watch the footy on the TV and think nothing more of it for the evening.

Next morning, I get up, shower as usual, top up on the pills and head to work.  Don’t feel a thing at work all day, thanks to the painkillers.  I get home and have another inspection.

Not much difference, its a little rounder and a little taller…..(It’s about the size of half a ping pong ball now.)

Next morning, same routine….shower, handfull of pills etc…..apart from by now I have read just about every page on the internet related to lumps in the armpit and every 5 minutes or so i am changing my mind,  I’m either convincing myself that it is definatley cancerous, or I’m sure that it’s just an infection.

But at least its nearly the weekend, and I half make a promise to myself to go to the doctors or hospital on Saturday to get it looked at…..Afterall…..I have probably put it off far too long by now…..

Needless to say, I found various reasons not to go to the doctors at weekend………basically I just bottled it and choose to convince myself that if I just continued to take the painkiller, it would eventually go away on its own.

That seemed to be working well….until this Tuesday night that is.  The painkillers had stopped working as well as they had been so I decided that some action was needed.  Not being the biggest fan of doctors and hospitals, I decided that I, myself, was the best man to sort it out, one way or another.

So, I take another dose of my new daily pill friends and wait a short while for their effect to kick in.

Whilst i was waiting i prepared a few items…..

A kitchen roll to mop up any blood

A sterilised scalpel blade (And when i say sterilised, what i actually mean is I poured dettol over the blade and rinsed it under the hot tap.)

So I test the water and give the lump i quick prod to see if i can feel anything……nothing, so i nip my arm and i can barely feel that either, so I’m good to go…….The doctor is in the house!

I figured that whatever is in that lump is surely better off out of me than festereing inside me.

I grit my teeth and make a decisive incision right along the top of the lump and i nearly gag when i see what happened….

It was like watching “Alien”….I spend a minute just staring at it before i realise that it is actually my own armpit I’m looking at!  I don’t actually remember taking the above picture, but obviously i did.

So I wipe away what looks like a dolop of custard with some kitchen roll, I’m not sure what the feck it was? It could have been skin/fat cells or puss or lord knows what!, but to my horror, the lump is still nearly as big as it was before i started, that gunk must have been the stuff just under the surface. I give the lump a squeeze to see if there is anything else ready to come out……nothing.

Blood is starting to trickle down my chest by now, and I am completely regretting not letting the proffessionals deal with this.  But in for a penny, in for a pound.  I’m far too off my tits on painkillers to drive to the hospital, and it would be way to embarrassing to call an ambulance whilst in this state.

So i have another little dig around with the blade, and then give it another squeeze.   This time a clearish liquid shoots out of the lump.

Seriously, this thing could be a rival for the Las Vegas style fountains!  The stream of liquid was about as wide as a pencil lead and was constant for what looked like a couple of meters worth.

Once I’m over the shock of watching my own body emit such a thing, I  clean myself up and have another look at it.

My armpit now looks like a castrated dogs nut sack.   Whatever had been in there had obviously stretched the skin.

In the morning i inspected my work…..Looks like the superglue held the skin together alright……maybe i should become a surgeon!!!!

I still don’t know what it is or was, or if its gone for good or will make an encore?

But…..the Word “Relief” doesn’ even come close to covering how i feel now that its gone…..

~ Note to self……next time, goto the doctors!