"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver."
"I drink therefore I am."
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy."
"They who drink beer will think beer."
"I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
~George Jean Nathan.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
~Joe E Lewis.
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
"Actually it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink."
~Joe E Lewis
"I got so wasted one night I waited for the Stop sign to change, and it did."
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
"A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her."
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
"The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold."
"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
"There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation."